The Hidden Cause of Affairs and Finding Answers with Jay Stringer

Whether you're an unfaithful spouse haunted by the desires that led you here, or a betrayed spouse grieving the unmet desires of a marriage that wasn't what you thought it was, your relationship with desire sits at the center of your recovery — even if you've never thought of it that way. In this bonus episode, therapist, author, and researcher Jay Stringer joins to talk about his new book Desire, why our culture's two dominant approaches to our core wants keep us stuck, and how getting curious about our desires — instead of condemning them — becomes the path toward real healing. If shame has been your primary tool for trying to recover, this conversation offers something different: a way through the pain that takes your desires seriously without letting them run your life.

Jay Stringer is a licensed mental health counselor, researcher, and speaker who helps people uncover the unexpected meaning hidden in life’s hardest challenges. He is the award-winning author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing and lives in New York City with his wife, Heather, and their two children.

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What to read next

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas

Submitted by Dennis S (not verified) on 1 month 2 weeks

Jeremy and Jay question I feel I can forgive my wife’s long affair but the physical, sexual acts to me are unforgivable because it was intentional would like your comment please, thank you Dennis

Submitted by Lea_AR on 1 month 2 weeks

Dennis, thank you for taking the time to comment. I find that most people who struggle with the idea of forgiveness are operating from a misconception of what forgiveness really means, and who it's actually for. For our own healing, forgiveness is imperative. As a betrayed spouse myself, I know firsthand how challenging it is and in the beginning, it seemed like forgiveness was an impossible ask. Here are some additional resources you may find helpful as you navigate this difficult topic:

Forgiveness - Burden or Gift? Part I: What is Forgiveness Anyway?
Forgiveness - Burden or Gift? Part II: The Journey of a Lifetime
Forgiving Infidelity: What Forgiveness Is NOT
What Are Some Practical Steps to Take to Forgive My Spouse?

I would also encourage you to register for our free First Steps Bootcamp, which is designed to walk you through the fundamentals of healing from infidelity.

Submitted by Braunwyne (not verified) on 1 month 1 week

My view is that he had every single day of 15 years to come clean but he didn't it was not until I discovered a message on his phone on Easter morning of 2025. And then I received the trickling truths over the course of the following year. I discovered and realized he had been texting with her while I was sitting on the sofa beside him. He left one morning saying he had to go take care of something at his office and returned smelling like her. I dismissed it as something I just simply couldn't explain. I could go on the gifts the texts on a constant basis that I only discovered later. The way he would actually even talk about this woman without me realizing that it was his mistress.
I realize how the brokenness and the trauma of his past played a part etc., but what about the impact this has had on me? He has participated in a very decadent thing for more than half our marriage, that is violated me and disrespected me on a level I simply cannot express. I feel I am living with my rapist. I am unable to leave due to financial situations. Of course he's also destroyed our finances.
He disregarded any and all effects that it would have on me, our marriage, and our son for 15 years. He has now done this 180° turn around. He's attending church almost daily he waits on me hand and foot he's taken all of my verbal ranting and raging meekly. But it doesn't change what he did for 15 years.

Submitted by Lea_AR on 1 month 1 week

I'm so sorry for the indescribable pain you're navigating. I've been there. The traumatic impact doesn't magically go away with changed behavior on the part of the unfaithful spouse. As we like to say here at AR, time does not heal all wounds. It's what you do with the time that matters. 

If you're looking for some foundational information regarding surviving and healing from infidelity, I would encourage you to register for our free 7-day First Steps Bootcamp. You can do it alone or with your spouse. You don't have to stay stuck in pain, anger, and fear. It is possible to experience complete and total healing, and with the participation of both spouses, a new marriage that is better than you ever imagined. That's my story, and I'm not unique. If you'd like to talk to someone about other options, you can reach out to our customer care team at 888-527-2367 or email them at [email protected].

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