Are You Safe Enough for Your Marriage? Part 6: Un-Managed Anger

Thank you for more help Samuel, I was able to find the three dots, and so have cut down my writing time along with preventing carpal tunnel. I wrote this last week,but messed up and so it is floating somewhere in Cyberspace I suppose. I wanted to mention that the infidelity in my marriage is not sexual, but financial, verbal, psychological and emotional. Somewhere over time, I image it was sexual also. When I first started listening to your videos, I automatically was able to substitute financial instead of sexual. I want others to know that it works with very little effort! Because of the many forms of abuse, they all more or less blur into one after a while. Abuse was abuse for me, it was the chronic part of it that made the difference. Mine was over a decade of a 20 year marriage, to the tune of a million dollars. That was our retirement, investments, all accounts including pension. I never knew the damage because he has his own business, and I trusted him. I would have chosen a "Bambi" over this, it wouldn't have lasted this long and I still would have been to survive financially were I to leave. I should mention that the million dollars went to my husband's daughter between the ages of 18-28. Not a single thing on her credit card statements was justifiable, in fact, all are unbelievable.
All that to ask you if a reader comments on one of your older blogs, do you see it, or do we reply elsewhere? Thank you again!!!

Hi there. I have a little different scenario I would like some help with. My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me in November because of many reasons, mainly because I was wanting more attention and love from him than he could give. I believe his dismissive avoidance, at the time, enabled him to take my needs as him being inadequate and me trying to control him. He would go out and drink too much and blame it on me because of how I made him feel. I dealt with that for years and lies about where he was. It was high anxiety for me and not a safe space.

During our breakup, we both did a lot of work on ourselves including therapy for me and some emotional work and therapy for him while we were. During that time a mutual guy friend, who is not reputable and know to be a player, started texting me and I responded, in kind as a friend. There was never an affair just texts a few times and a long phone call one day. The conversations were always about getting back with my ex and never any interest in this guy other than that. He would invite me out for drinks etc but I never went nor would I.

Two months later, when we reconciled, my bf asked me about the guy and if we’d ever gone out, talked or texted etc. I downplayed it because I didn’t want him to think it was anything more than friendly on my end., because it wasn’t The other guy probably had other motives but I knew I didn’t. I had deleted a lot of the texts knowing that my bf would be upset if he knew about them or saw them because I didn’t speak fondly of my bf in one of them, and there were a lot of texts once I really examined it.
I lied about most of the texts and he was able to recover them and now knows there was no infidelity but he feels very betrayed that I lied about all of it and I only admitted to them once the texts were recovered. There were a couple texts that never came back through, that were in the very beginning, but that’s it. There was never anything sexual sent back and forth but he still feels like he can’t trust me, which I get.

We have tried to have conversations about it and I have finally owned up to my part and that I should have never engaged nor lied. I have told him all the things you mention and he’s still asking me for ownership and explanation of the actions themselves, which I have given him time and again. I have said word for word what you said above but I do get upset when he calls me a liar and says I’m still lying, when I’m not.

I am at a loss of what to do. He is still very angry and I am frustrated because I feel like nothing I say or do is enough or right and I am still human and don’t like the meanness and name calling.

Please help me navigate this better for us to repair and reconcile. I wrote this quickly so it may not be all inclusive but in a nutshell I lied to him in multiple occasions and made him look bad and I don’t know how to make it batter! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!