Doing Everything “Right” and Losing It All: Untangling Anger at God After Betrayal

“I DO NOT Deserve This!”

Does this resonate with any of you? Of course it does.

Finding out that your spouse has had an affair—or still is—rocks your world and may ultimately leave you asking the question: “What did I do to deserve this?!” And you know the answer… You DON’T deserve this.

Now, come on, I know I’m not perfect; you know you’re not perfect. But damn it! Haven’t you tried to be a good wife? I know I sure did. Have a clean house when he gets home, (mostly) well-behaved kids who are attentive to dad. My body is certainly not what it was before five kids, but I take care of myself. Sure, I have days where my hair is in a sloppy bun from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. But generally speaking… I keep up with myself. Most days, I put in the effort to not look like a bedraggled stay-at-home mom, but a loving, beautiful wife.

After I found out about the affair, the constant message running through my mind—and that I found myself asking him again and again—was:

“Damn it again! I love you! How?! Why would you do this to me?! My love has been fierce, passionate, devoted. Love—with a passion to see your best interest. Love—that wants to grow old together, to see our children grow up and move into their own lives. Love—that is willing to lay down my own life for yours. Love—that longs to be loved and cared for by you, and you alone.

I was a good wife. For 17 years.

I have fully supported you—in all your endeavors, even the ones that I thought were not your true calling.

I have loved you unconditionally.

I have accepted your shortcomings, your flat-out failures.

I have extended grace for your addictions; offered solutions; patiently and passionately prayed.”

And beyond all this, “God, what the heck? You see me—how as a Christian woman I have done all the ‘right things.’”

And so, anger at God? Yes. Absolutely. I felt like I was justified in my “righteous anger” because I did not deserve to be treated this way.

While this is true—none of us do—despite our own missteps and failings, we don’t deserve to be treated this way. My personal mistakes do not justify his behavior. But here’s the thing—I need to come to terms with this idea of being angry at God. Because has God actually done anything wrong? Has He caused my husband to act out in this way? No, resoundingly.

It is 100% understandable to be angry with God. I sure was. It wasn’t until my husband’s second affair that the target of my anger transferred.

You see, God is for you. For your good. AND this world is a place inhabited by a bunch of self-centric men and women. If we are honest about it, we all have those moments where we act entirely in only our own best interest. And most of the time, others are not severely impacted by that moment of selfishness.

My first encouragement to you is that while you may want to blame God for this pain and disaster your life has become, it’s not His fault. Your husband is responsible for his own actions. And while you may have been doing all the “right things,” God doesn’t owe you anything. I know that sounds harsh, and truly, I am not trying to be mean. I understand you have enough going on in your life, and for me to be throwing difficult truths at you that you don’t want to hear—I get it; it may just be too much right now.

But perhaps later… when all is quiet, and the house has settled, perhaps then you can consider this.

This does not mean that God wants to see you in pain, or your marriage fall apart. He is a God of hope. A God of healing. A God of restoration. He is your safe place to run to in this storm.

He understands what it means to be betrayed. He really does. Wasn’t Jesus betrayed by Judas?

He understands what it means to be left alone in agonizing pain. Wasn’t He left alone on the cross to bear the weight of others' sin? Your husband’s sin, your sin, and my sin as well. He didn’t deserve it.

So please—don’t allow this truth to keep you from the One who can actually give you comfort, direction, and hope. God can handle your anger. Let Him have it.

And then, please, dear sister, allow God to bring the hope that you so desperately need right now. Let Him come and sit with you in your pain. Find your peace in Him.

He is our Hope. He is our peace. Surrender your heart to Him, with all its overwhelming emotions, and let Him calm the storm of your hurting heart.