Q&A How Do I Feel Safe through All of This?

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Question: 

I have just listened to the talks on infidelity trauma. I am the betrayed and have learned so much about my husband. I am overwhelmingly desirous of knowing I’m safe, he is the one totally traumatized by his affair. It resulted in him having a total breakdown 2 years ago, and even that wasn’t enough for him to break off with the affair partner, so I moved him out again 16 months ago and he lived with her 2.5 months until she found out he was desperate to come back to us. He is the one shut down, unable to reach out, communicate or unfreeze his heart. He wants to but can’t and hasn’t found any therapy helpful. He has lost his self-confidence, identity and mojo and his drugs don’t touch his depression. It’s still all about him - he’s too low and shut down to reach out to me. He’s been living with my brother since he left living with his affair partner a year ago and I feel so frustrated and sorry for him, and constantly question if he doesn’t love himself so can’t love me, how can I trust him to put me first, or consider having him back? God has told me I have to, but I feel is letting me choose when. Do I have him back as an emotionally crippled black hole or what? How do I navigate this? Our relationship is so stuck and I wonder now if he doesn’t feel safe with me?

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