Q&A How I Can Get past My Husband's Lack of Seeing the Affair Partner for Who She Is?

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Question: 

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. My husband had a 5 month limerent affair with a coworker. We are one year past D-Day. We have done EMSO, I am doing Harboring Hope, and my husband is in Hope for Healing. We also go to Christian counseling. He has been committed to recovery work since D-Day, and I am healing. One of my biggest challenges is the AP. She aggressively pursued my husband, knowing that he was married. He tried to stop the affair a few times, but she continued to lure him back to her until my husband finally ended it by telling me about the affair. Her ex-husband was unfaithful to her by having affairs while she was married to him years ago. She knows what it feels like to be the betrayed spouse. How could she then turn around and give that same pain to another woman and children? I am trying to understand, but can’t wrap my mind around it. She had no remorse over what she did. The reason why it is so hard to get past is that my husband cannot see any bad in her still to this day. In fact, he cannot even tell me that he is completely over her, or admit that he affaired down, even though he has been committed to recovery. Can you help me understand how she could do this having been a betrayed spouse herself before and how I can get past my husband’s lack of seeing her for who she is? I don’t expect him to hate her, only to see the truth.

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