Hi Rick - My husband is struggling with the idea that I never loved him in the past 15 years of our relationship. I claim that I did. My Hope for Healing coursework has revealed to me that I definitely exhibited co-dependent behaviors. I will say that I didn't always act from that self-centered state of heart and mind, but I do know that it was a growing monster inside of me and led me to my affair. It led me away from my husband to finding a fresh, new, overflowing well of narcissistic supply; someone who fed my ego and made me feel good about myself; someone who needed me in a way I hadn't felt needed before (like I was his rescuer). 

From your definition of love vs. co-dependency, my admittance of my co-dependency then says to my husband that I didn't love him...EVER. He says that too many people put adjectives in front of love. Example: I loved you, but I didn't TRULY love you because of my co-dependent behaviors that acted in my self-interest. OR I loved you always, but now I am finding out what it means to have pure love, without my problems in the way. He calls BS on it. He says you either love someone or you don't. Based on my problems, he claims the latter: "YOU NEVER LOVED ME". I don't know how to respond to this. To debate the point only sends his anger out the roof. Can you help us both with this complex understanding of love?