Is the Affair Just a Symptom?

Often times in recovery, unfaithful spouses will say "my affair is just a symptom of deeper issues." Today I discuss what that statement actually says to the betrayed spouse and how to get to the deeper issues in marriage and recovery.

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He is that selfish

One of the many things I am trying to accept is the fact and realization that my husband was that selfish and self-centered. Never has he displayed that behavior to me. Part of accepting what has happened is accepting that my husband could be this person that I did not know, this person I never thought he was capable of being.

slm,.....you are correct....

it is a challenge to accept what our spouse is capable of. it's shocking to most. fact is, it's concerning and enlightening and sobering. the fact that they can do what they've done is horrible. but, there is truth to the fact that no one is beyond the need for redemption and the potential for restoration if they do what it takes. beth moore has a great study on when good godly people do ungodly things. it's a great read even if you have struggles with faith. the goal is for your spouse to get to the point of understanding what a complete train wreck they are capable of becoming if they wander away from recovery. for all of us, it's important we understand what we are capable of becoming if we wander away ffrom our principles of recovery. we know who we can be if we don't hold true to what has reached out to save us. i hope today is a good day for you and i hope it gets easier for you.

What if...

What if restoration isn't necessarily the goal? If someone's not sure if they want to save the marriage as you stated in the video, but instead they're saying, "why go through any of this if we're going to separate?" (if they're ambivalent?)

godismyanchor....ambivalence...

it's a very valid question. sometimes it's for coparenting down the road and not hating each other for the rest of your lives. (just the truth...) sometimes it's about simply giving restoration a chance to arise out of the ashes of what you're dealing with. i read this today.....don't decide your future solely based upon the condition of your currently reality. with the right help, you just don't know. if you don't have kids, perhaps it's about getting help to heal and move forward without hating each other and without remaining stuck in the pain you are in right now. ed cole once said "how you leave one thing determines how you'll leave another." so at some level, it's about leaving one stage in life, or one relationship/marriage, finding healing and moving forward into the next season of life without any open doors for bitterness, resentment, anger, distrust, etc. also, you just don't know. you may end up separating, but you may end up reconciling. we don't know. we don't have crystal balls and we're not sure what can happen when the right help is sought and when the right circumstances are created which then touch the heart, open up deceived and blind eyes, and change happens. i've seen it too many times now in life to doubt the possibility. you just don't know.. we can still be shocked in life and we can still be wrong about people's hearts ya know? i hope that helps and i hope it's encouraging. ultimately, we have to do what we feel like 1. we want to do and are feeling led to do 2. what God is telling us to do. 3. what conscience is telling us to do. committing to getting help in no way guarantees the marriage can or will be saved. it simply gives each spouse the chance to see it happen. it's about committing to get the best help possible and making decisions later, not in the middle of the chaos and pain.

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