Is That What You Feel? | Affair Recovery

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Great Vblog.... Thank you for

Submitted by CK4UBTH on Fri, 03/25/2016 - 13:29

Great Vblog.... Thank you for the feedback from your journey. My question is this... It seems like as the betrayed spouse I am almost always the one who points out how we should handle the next block in our recovery. You sight examples where there are actual steps to take such as "Ask your spouse what am I doing/ what do you need to feel safe or what did today bring struggle wise". It becomes almost overwhelming to " educate" the unfaithful on this process. It brings anger, disappointment , sadness and sometime a silent flood of the affair all back. Again if I suggest the advice and he does implement the ideas , it still causes the secondary feeling of " well I had to show you that". I'm almost to a point that all those feelings are going to turn into a void of anything, detachment. He is almost sitting there like a little boy and trying not to make a wrong move instead of just dealing with each single event or learning moment. He can watch the blogs as well as anyone else. Thanks for any feedback - Tamara. ( bit tired of hiding behind a fake name)

Cont

Submitted by CK4UBTH on Fri, 03/25/2016 - 14:01

Didn't actual state my question. What do couples do when one party kinda stops progressing forward or stops actively trying to heal?

tamara....tough situation indeed

Submitted by Samuel on Tue, 03/29/2016 - 23:55

Tamara, man that's tough. i'm sorry. i definitely feel for you as it's like a vice you're stuck in. it's excruciating as well to educate them, the cheater on remorse, and then to struggle with the whole 'yah i had to tell you that.' however, it's normal. yes, to a certain extent, very very normal. sucks, but normal. for starters, you need help. he wont get there and won't get any further without a third party that's going to educate him on the process of it all and grow him into his recovery. there's too much history and too much water under the bridge so to speak, emotionally for you to be able to get through to him yourself. look on the site for the hope for healing course. it's exceptional and he needs it. also, you may consider the ems weekend for you both if you can get to it. it will certainly help him take ownership of his own recovery and also help translate that into empathy and remorse towards you. he just won't get there on his own. what help has he received? if he's not open to help, then he's a ticking time bomb. if he refuses to get help, it's the biggest red flag there is practically, besides not cutting off all contact with an affair partner. so, before I go any further what help has he received and/or is he open to more help? how long ago was disclosure and how long was the affair? i'll monitor this vlog for your response. sorry for the delay.

We both did EMS weekend, HH,

Submitted by CK4UBTH on Fri, 04/01/2016 - 14:38

We both did EMS weekend, HH, H4H. I have also done EMDR- that has helped me with all the late hits caused by the trickle truths and slow process of pulling him out of the FOG. It's hard to have him engage now that pretend normal has somewhat restarted ( to some extend it has been helpful actually). He still talked with his weekly support group but won't initiate talking about where I'm at on his own. Because I have detached but present he reads it more as I'm doing okay. There are lots of great blogs that he could use as a "How are you/ we doing as a couple... Not just how are we doing as a family? We've both pulled out every straw to stabilize the family for the kids and it has paid off. We both do whatever it takes for the kids. I'm lost as to how to reconnect to him as a husband after the damage. The affair changed me as a human, what once would have soothed the pain is no longer available. He doesn't seem to find out/ seek out how to connect to the version of me that is now present. I keep thinking ... Maybe the people we have turned into because of his affair , would no longer be connected or appeal to each other. I know I am working on the version of myself that is left but I really really liked who I was and am beyond sad that , that was taken away without consent. He took my ability to be me away. I'm having a hard time.

Amber (New!)

Alumna, Grateful Wayward. Strong believer in small group recovery and the power of sharing our faith, experience, strength, and hope in community. Miracles happen.

Norman (New!)

Alumnus, betrayed. Be a voice of encouragement for those in pain and navigating emotional trauma. The journey to healing can seem impossible, but don’t ever give up as there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Please show yourself compassion, grace, and love.

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