Q&A How Can I Emotionally Detach from the Affair Partner?

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Question: 

I am a former unfaithful wife, having had an on and off 6 month long distance emotional affair in 2017 with an old flame. I am over 9 months no contact now, and my husband and I have completed EMSO. I never saw AP, but I do still have thoughts of him since going to no contact, and my husband does know that it's been a struggle for me. Recently, I confided in a friend over text that I want to have sex with my husband without AP entering my mind. I said that I don't know how women who have had physical affairs get past that, it's hard enough when I haven't even seen the guy. Unfortunately, my husband saw that text to my friend, and now he says that this is like taking him back to day 1, if not worse! That I'm not safe for him now because of this new revelation. Am I wrong to think that this isn't a relapse on my part? Is every thought I ever have of AP now a relapse, or cause to take my husband back to a D-Day state of mind? Should I have told my husband that sometimes AP pops into my mind during sex? That just seems cruel and unnecessary to me! I've stayed firm in no contact for 9 months, but now according to my husband it's as if I'd texted AP again, all because of unwanted thoughts that I shared in confidence with a girlfriend. Am I really not safe for my husband as long as thoughts of AP may be present? How can I detach emotionally from AP so that these thoughts don't come? Where do we draw the line at openly sharing everything vs keeping some things to ourselves so as not to cause more pain like in this situation?

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