When Will My Betrayed Spouse Have Feelings for Me Again?

Samuel tackles the pivotal question unfaithful spouses struggle with.

Comments

Great Information

Submitted by Gallagher (not verified) on Fri, 02/23/2018 - 18:31

Thanks Samuel. This is very helpful and timely. February 12 was the 7 year anniversary of my bomb drop date. When I look back now, I see the amazing growth and changes my husband has made. But I am always blown away about how hard and long the recovery process is.

I so resonate with your first point. The unfaithful MUST be able and willing to talk to the betrayed and stay out of a defensive posture. Being able to ask questions and talk is a healing mechanism for the betrayed. The hard part is that it takes a long time for the betrayed to get to a place of mature ownership. I can say that after 7 years my husband is there most of the time, but I know it can still be difficult for him.

Infidelity is such a Pandora Box.

you are right...

Submitted by Samuel on Mon, 02/26/2018 - 12:48

hi gallagher. i'm sorry it's taken so long for him to get to that posture. has he read much? books? articles? what other recovery work has he done? it does take a while to get to that place, but it's worth it, if both parties will commit to the process and due the necessary work to uproot the pride and shame. it's not easy and i'm so glad you've been committed to the process. thank you so much for commenting and posting. AND for watching.

Will my unfaithful spouse have feelings for me again?

Submitted by shawna222 on Sun, 02/25/2018 - 13:54

I truly appreciate all of the support on the AR website including the blogs. However, so much of it is geared towards the betrayed spouse accepting the unfaithful spouse. DDay was less than a month ago and I am in an emotional yo-yo. At first, my unfaithful spouse was willing to do whatever it takes to fix it within 2 weeks, he determined that he didn't love me anymore and he is not sure he wants to fix the marriage. In the meantime, he is not mean or hateful, he has not returned to his AP, he is just withdrawn and unaffectionate. I feel alone, that I don't matter, not only as a spouse but as hurting person, and I am desperate for attention and healing. So now I am facing the crushing pain of the deceit but also the despair of dealing with a potential divorce, I don't know where to start healing.
Can you please give some advice or guidance on how to heal when your unfaithful spouse is ambivalent or even wanting to end the marriage.

glad you're here...

Submitted by Samuel on Mon, 02/26/2018 - 13:43

shawna222, for starters, take the harboring hope course asap as it will help you immensely: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope you'll find refuge and healing in that course as it focuses upon your own healing despite how uncertain the future and marriage may be. 2nd of all, here are a few videos on ambivalence that will help you: https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-do-you-do-when-your-spouse-ambivalent https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/changing-dance-ambivalence https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-betrayed-spouses-are-perceived-needy-or-codependent those will help you with empowering yourself and understanding what might be next steps for you.

having said that, with d day being only a month ago, it's literally no time at all to judge the marriage, recovery or the future. I would at the very least see if he will attend the ems weekend with you and make some decisions after that on what you'll do in the future and if you'll save the marriage or not. righ tnow, it's too raw, too painful and too emotional to make any decisions at all. make sense?

Thank you

Submitted by shawna222 on Thu, 03/01/2018 - 11:34

I kinda felt like a fool, after I wrote that I found so many blogs on earlier pages that addressed my issues. Ironically, I caught my spouse again in contact with her, and then refusing to show me the conversations. I asked him to leave and take all of his things, that afternoon I found your blog on are you chasing your spouse and realized how damaging things had become. He has been out of the house only a few days and thought he could come back home after I come off, but after listening to all of your blogs about ambivalence and control I know that he's not ready and I am not ready, I have drawn my line in the sand and it's the first time in 5 months I have felt a feeling of self worth.
On another note, my spouse is asking when we can finish the boot camp either in person or over the phone and this morning he called and agreed that he needs to go to the EMS weekend to try and figure out why is doing this.
Thank you for the additional resources and I appreciate all of your blogs, when I start to miss him I listen to several to remind me of the power I have to help myself heal for me and my kiddos.

such great feedback shawna.

Submitted by Samuel on Thu, 03/01/2018 - 12:28

i'm so glad you're here. i'm so proud of your courage and dedication to get healthy. drawing boundary lines is easy to do, but sticking to them and following through with them is the tough part ya know? but be strong, and take it one day at a time. you can do it. if he's responding it's a great, great sign. but keep the line and ask him to follow through on that stuff or else you won't be playing this game anymore. so proud of you. thank you for the great encouragement.

Thank you

Submitted by shawna222 on Thu, 03/01/2018 - 11:36

I kinda felt like a fool, after I wrote that I found so many blogs on earlier pages that addressed my issues. Ironically, I caught my spouse again in contact with her, and then refusing to show me the conversations. I asked him to leave and take all of his things, that afternoon I found your blog on are you chasing your spouse and realized how damaging things had become. He has been out of the house only a few days and thought he could come back home after I cooled off, but after listening to all of your blogs about ambivalence and control I know that he's not ready and I am not ready, I have drawn my line in the sand and it's the first time in 5 months I have felt a feeling of self worth.
On another note, my spouse is asking when we can finish the boot camp either in person or over the phone and this morning he called and agreed that he needs to go to the EMS weekend to try and figure out why is doing this.
Thank you for the additional resources and I appreciate all of your blogs, when I start to miss him I listen to several to remind me of the power I have to help myself heal for me and my kiddos.

One sided

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 03/09/2018 - 13:39

Part of the resentment that I have is that most infidelity is done by men. Every time you refer to "she the betrayed" and "he the unfaithful" it just reaffirm to me that ALL of you are the same. I don't say that sarcastically, It is heart breaking to me that these are the statistics. I'm actually divorcing my husband. I love him with every piece of me but he hasn't loved me. I would like to hear some blogs about surviving divorce while maintaining your friendship. I want nothing more than to help him through his recovery and be a true friend to him while keeping my self worth and vision for a better life without my husband. Could you please ask some people that have divorce because of infidelity but still found peace and a true friendship coming out on the other side. Thank you for your time. I have watched several of your blogs and while they are not of the outcome I will have they have helped me tremendously...

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