If You're Doing This, You're Abandoning Your Betrayed Spouse

Samuel discusses a sensitive pitfall for couples seeking recovery.

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The BIGGEST Thank You That You Could Imagine

I just want to say thank you literally from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes for everything you do and the amazing messages and advice that you put across in these videos. It has saved me and hopefully my marriage.
D-Day was 3 months ago and in a hysterical effort to find everything and anything to help me with the pain, I came across your videos on YouTube. I soaked up each and every video like it was my breathing tube... you were my life support! And the information was invaluable. During my time watching these video, my unfaithful spouse was expressing great remorse but was very lost and doing a lot of destructive things (Four Horsemen), but he kept saying he didn't know what to do, so I started sending him links to some of your most significant topics and advice for the unfaithful. It was like your videos opened his eyes and I saw a completely different man. And you led us both to Affair Recovery and my husband was actually the one who pushed me to start EMSO (we are on week 4). After this course he plans to take Hope for Healing and I was thinking about Harboring Hope.
I still watch your videos as they come out, and I had to finally come out and say thank you and comment on this video because it came at the absolute PERFECT time in our recovery. We had been on a role and in the past week while examining triggers I hit a lot of anxieties, but when I shared them with my unfaithful, he retreated back into shame and defensiveness, which caused me to trigger more and we spiraled down that hole this week. My unfaithful had been trying to reach back out to me this morning so I suggested this video to him. He thanked me immediately after he watched it.
So.... thank you...... thank you for the way you deliver sometimes hard messages and advice in a way that doesn't judge, discriminate, or push away. You have a gift, and that gift has saved my life.

it's comments like this that keep me going

what a gift this is.  thank you so much for posting and sharing such great info and kind words.  it means a ton.  it also encourages me when some days you just wonder if it's worth it.  i'm so glad they have helped you both.  thank you again.  makes my day. 

 

Latest VLog Abandoning Your Betrayed Spouse

Samuel thank you so much for this vlog and your many other ones. I find them helpful and hope my wayward spouse watches them also. You mentioned turtling by the WS. Would you be willing to explain this a little more in-depth on a vlog for WS I run into this a lot from my WS as he struggles to stay out of shame and defensiveness. He is in recovery for sex addiction so I know that this is an outcropping from foo and learning new coping skills. I think other SA's struggle with this as well, and it might be helpful to the WS, especially SA's, and the betrayed spouses if you could talk about turtling and things that are more helpful to do in those situations.
Thank you again for all that you do on these vlogs, and thank you that affair recovery makes these possible and available.

Doing all I can...is it enough?

Hi Samuel. Thank you so much for these videos. They've been helpful. However, one thing I haven't seen addressed (I recently started watching...maybe a month or so ago) is what to do to fall in love with your spouse after you've betrayed her. My wife is doing really well...she's forgiven me, and we're working on things. But I can honestly say that, while I love her, I'm not in love with her. I am still missing my affair partner (who I've had zero contact with) almost four months after D-Day. While I know it will likely take longer to get over her, I just don't have the consistent feelings for my wife anymore. It makes me wonder if, while I'm doing the right thing by staying with my wife and family, our marriage will simply be one where we love each other, have feelings and make love here and there, but not be one of passionate love. I honestly don't know if I was ever in love with my wife. How do I fall in love with her after a year-long affair with someone I'm still pining for?

AnonymousMax

I just had to reply when I saw your post. IDK what sort of access you have on the AR site, but I would STRONGLY suggest you read the things that Rick has posted about Affair Fog and I Love You but I am not in love with you in the AR library. Then if you can send this in a question to Rick in the expert Q&A. I would also suggest taking EMSO with your wife and doing Hope4Healing.

I'm right there with you.

I'm right there with you.
Hoping for some direction and answers too.

Helpful articles

I took the advice from the comment above and wanted to share the articles I found that are relevant...hope they help you, too:

- https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-there-is-no-remorse
- https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/i-love-you-i%E2%80%99m-j...
- https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/an-affair-is-it-love-o... (especially this part: "While the obsession created by limerence can be life altering for singles, it is life destroying for those who are married. It’s not even something they have to go out and look for; it’s a chemical reaction that typically is involuntary. The resulting surge in norepinephrine and dopamine will almost immediately eliminate what ails the limerent. Those I’ve worked with through the years report an almost immediate improvement of depressive states and a new sense of feeling alive. On those days where it feels the other person is moving toward them, the sky is bluer, the birds sing sweeter, the air seems fresher. If it seems for whatever reason things may not work out they can begin to feel more despair than they’ve ever known. For them it’s obvious their marriage is blocking them from what they need to be truly happy. It’s suddenly apparent that you’ve married the wrong person. Conviction and commitment tell you have no choice, you have to stay together for the kids and because of your beliefs about marriage, but you know you’ll never again feel happy in your marriage." Wow. This article especially spoke to me...had to read it through flowing tears)
- https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/unfaithful-affair-why-... (similar to the article above, but more technical)
- https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/true-love-and-survivin...
- https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-doesnt-unfaithful-se...

I am still in a state of limerence...it's like a drug, and I'm still addicted. I have more work to do than I thought...still a long ways to go for me.

Such a heartfelt video

Thank you Samuel, for reminding me that there are men who have the fortitude to speak truth on such difficult subject matter with conviction. On this subject, it's very much required and I'm glad to see you being so frank. This was the reason why my relationship ultimately failed. Some people just don't have the maturity to face the consequences of their actions. I was never offered up any sort of explanation which satisfied, just excuses and deflection and more lies. A spouse cannot stay in that abandoned place for too long and I had to make a choice to leave. If I had stayed, I would have drowned in the anger, the only place to go when your emotions are being minimized and rejected. I pray that others, who still have time and the right heart condition, will listen to your wise words, consider them carefully and follow through. God bless us all in these hard times, especially the children. My heart is heavy but very encouraged to see others are trying where some have not. When a child of God succeeds, the world is a little better for it.

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