Q&A How Do I Begin to Heal If My Mate Isn't Putting in Effort?

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Question: 

I found out about my husbands affair almost 4 years ago because I knew something was wrong and he wouldn't talk to me. I put a recorder in his car and overheard a private lunch with a woman he worked with who has the same name as me. When I confronted him, he swore nothing happened, but from the way I heard them speak to each other, I knew it had to at least be an emotional affair. For the last 3 years, he hasn't talked about it, and when I ask questions, I get the same answer, that nothing happened, except recently he let it slip she kissed him. Right then I knew for sure there was more he wasn't telling. I came to my breaking point and since there was no longer contact with the AP, I contacted her to see what she'd say. I found out it was much worse than he said, but not as bad as my imagination. He still doesn't want to talk about it. He has confirmed that most of what she said was true, and has been reluctantly answering questions. He says he wants to be together, he's sorry, and he loves me. He doesn't know why he did it, but swears it will never happen again. How do I begin to heal if he's not willing to put in any effort, and how do I believe this was the first time and the last? How do I deal with the humiliation and shame that I feel for having to do ALL the work on my own, including investigating tactics I had to use in the beginning? I'm having a hard time liking the person this is turning me into, meanwhile he's sleeping fine!

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