This sounds exactly where we are. Word for word almost. I feel the same red flag raised for "trust me..." , however it is followed up. If he has to emphasize "trust me" then I hear, he is holding back or doesn't want to reveal something and is hoping I will drop it. Like a magician trying to distract with an obvious coloured cloth to cover a slight of hand; telling me to believe or know something is more about telling himself(if that makes any sense?)

It's becoming clear- if real, lasting change is going to happen, it has to be because I want to change, because that's who I want to BE; not because I want you to like or accept me. If that's why one is changing, then you won't be able to be yourself with them, you'll be the changed you, but the old you who does t necessarily want to be that person will remain within, til one day, they find their way out.
One cannot serve two Gods, or put differently, one cannot serve two desires, because they will appreciate one and feel bound by the other.

Hi,

This vlog is spot on. We're almost six months into recovery and I can say that I have done a lot of that "I have changed..." talk. Our spouses cannot find comfort in our intentions. No matter how much we say our hearts have changed, if it isn't backed up by visible changes, it isn't real yet for the hurt. Yes, I know my heart is now geared towards healing my marriage and loving my family, but until I can prove it by actions on a day-to-day basis, my words will remain hollow. True change cannot be faked, and I believe it happens gradually.

Thank you, Samuel!

Once again, you put together a blog that opens my eyes to how far I have to go in my recovery. I'm always quick to think "I've let go, I'm not trying to control her anymore I've changed" and here you are putting something in words to bonk me on the head to say " no no no dummy. You are still trying to control "

Thank you once again for telling us what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear. I'm eternally grateful for your blogs and how helpful they are.

Thank you so much for this v-blog. Its an older one but probably one of - if not the best one Ive heard. I listened to it three times just to make sure it has all sunk in. So much lately I think my wife should see how much I have changed and I believe she has but there is still a lack of trust on her part and rightfully so because of what I did but I am changing because I need to change - not just because I want to save my marriage. Appreciate your messages - especially those helping the unfaithful like myself see the light.