How Do You Deal with Humiliation and Infidelity?

Samuel shares personal insight on how to heal from the humiliation spouses feel from infidelity.

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Humiliation and infidelity

No response necessary . I want to thank you for all of your video blogs and for your willingness to share openly in spite of humiliation. This world is very new to me. As a "betrayed" whose spouse is really still not ready to get expert help, one year out from Discovery, these videos bring me Comfort and Hope. It took me nearly one year to see that all the tools I have developed over my 50 years became handy for such a time as this. When I cried out to the Lord asking what I have done to deserve all the things that people have done to me - and around me - in my life (beginning in childhood), I allowed myself to go down the selfish negative Rabbit Hole of "why me" in tears and wailing and ultimately in prayer. I very clearly heard the Holy Spirit In My Heart speak only "who better."

This was an oddly comforting directive. You see, I commonly express to my four children - and any who listen - that, because it is our choice to be happy and live our life to its fullest, we should take our experiences and turn them into positives if they are not already such. I am of the mind that if you bother to go to pastry school, for example, why would you spend the rest of your life buying all your cakes from a bakery? Sure there are times when life is busy or it's just the right time to pick something up , but why would anyone want to waste years of their lives training for something only to ignore the training ?

I firmly believe that, though God does not cause the evil in my life, he will use it to the benefit of me and others. Developing and sharpening the tools that I pick up along the way, why on Earth would I go through the pain and misery of any particularly horrible experience and not pull out something positive and helpful from it? And this way I have been able to more clearly understand the love that Jesus wants us to value and impart. I don't like to waste any of my learning experiences and opportunities. I refuse to live like the knife that stabbed me 10 years ago is still in my side. I will learn from it but I will not operate as if it is still there.

All of that said, I am now on my third marriage to a man I have been with for nearly eight years. One year ago I learned something so shocking and disturbing to me that I was utterly unprepared to even function afterward. I was not able to breathe properly nor sleep nor focus. I was prone to what I thought were juvenile emotional outbursts. I was shattered. I was traumatized. I did not know what was happening to me. I had participated in Celebrate Recovery - and even led a codependency table. I had done my 12 steps for codependency years before, and had done it again with a sponsor after my second divorce. I spent time healing and thought that I had got into such a great spot that I would feel in my spirit any red flags.

My husband and I were both middle-aged and spent time before even deciding to date having conversations about how we would want our relationship and a life together if we were to date and eventually marry. I felt confident and secure in our life together and I had no reason to doubt his loyalty to me and his many childhood lifelong friends and family. I thought I knew him as well as anyone could.

I have always been a voracious reader, so I naturally looked for titles that might help me process what I was learning about my husband throughout last year. I found I was unable to read. In fact, I was not even able to read the books for my book club. I sought information and found your blogs. I began to learn about betrayal trauma. I found expert help and spent thousands of dollars I could not afford last year. My husband was unwilling to go to any kind of counseling or therapy. As an adult child of an alcoholic mother who attempted suicide multiple times and eventually succeeded in his late twenties, he did not have any positive experiences from Counseling in his past. However, I do believe that God was working on his heart and that he could see I was changing. He finally agreed to counseling several weeks ago, but only to family therapy for communication and other normal typical marriage counseling type of help. The psychologist is aware that I am dealing with betrayal trauma and he understands there is an underlying Catalyst that brought us into counseling. He has asked my husband if he would like to have private visits or talk about anything different and my husband simply responds that he is not ready at this time.

I will probably give this about another year before I make any decisions to leave. I can see that he just needs love and acceptance. I believe his shame is so deep and has been a part of him for so long that he just needs more time to feel safe.

God has used your life to bless me. Thank you for listening to him and being obedient to his nudging in your life. Thank you for your willingness to push Beyond humility.

Betrayed having an affair during restoration attempts

Hi Samuel, we've been married for 16 years. we've been 6 months working since D-Day, my affair took place 6.5 years ago and i had other three affairs previously, I drip feed her with information until a week ago when I fully disclosed, she don't believes me, she thinks I had the affair up until last october. And today i read some of her mails with an old friend who has been trying to sleep with her since 8 years ago and I found out she's been sleeping with him since the last couple of months. ¿What should I do? ¿Do I confront her or what?

How do I recover from humiliation as a betrayed spouse?

As a betrayed spouse I feel helpless and trapped. The magnitude of the humiliation I feel is overwhelming and and I'm not sure how to fight back and begin the recovery process. It like waiting to find relief for fume induced headache while being locked in the room pumping in the fumes. How do I free myself?

this is a great series for you

i think you'll find this series helpful in terms of regaining honor for the betrayed:

try that and see how that helps you.  


How do I recover from humiliation as a betrayed spouse?

As a betrayed spouse I feel helpless and trapped. The magnitude of the humiliation I feel is overwhelming and I'm not sure how to fight back and begin the recovery process. It's like waiting to find relief for fume induced headache while being locked in the room pumping in the fumes. How do I free myself?

this series may help...

try this series on being dishonored:  also, have you considered the harboring hope course for the betrayed spouse?  it's another great way to heal and find new momentum in your own recovery. 

Thank you for this.

There are so few resources available for people recovering from humiliation - especially something they brought on themselves like an affair. I've struggled to forgive myself and stop feeling pangs (or even days after a trigger) of shame and humiliation after having a public and private reckoning over an affair 6 years ago.

When you are a mostly good person, someone who does believe in honesty and integrity, yet you let yourself get drawn into an affair, it's so hard to move past that even after mending the marriage. I'm trying to get to the point at which I can at least see myself as both things - a good person and a person who had an affair that hurt people.

I also relate to your comments about having cultivated a polished, professional persona and destroying it. The upside is that I have so much compassion for others now.

Thanks for all you do.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas