Q&A How do I Stop Comparing Myself to the AP?

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Question: 

Hi Rick
It’s been 20 months since D-Day. My husband had a 7 year emotional and sexual affair with a woman he used to know when he was 18 years old. My husband’s AP lives in the same county as his parents, 260 miles from our home. Their affair consisted mainly of email contact and texting; they exchanged more than 800 emails over the years. The affair timeline shows 40 meet ups. My husband used visiting his parents for the weekend as an alibi. My husband booked in to cheap hotels on a Friday evening where they met to have sex. She visited him again in the morning for more sex.

My question is – How do I stop comparing myself with the AP? I have never met her; I found a few photos of her on the internet. At 54 she is a year older than me. I consider myself to be more attractive. But the reality is that for 7 years my husband desired her. They had illicit ‘affair sex’ I know I can never compete with. We have always had a very good sex life. But since D-Day I have trouble seeing myself as the lover in our love story. We are 5 weeks into EMSO. We are doing well communicating better and feeling much closer. We do have sex and I enjoy the closeness but I can’t get beyond the fact that for 7 years I was not his lover. How can I get over this devastating reality?

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