Q&A How Do You Know When Too Much Damage Has Occurred to Overcome?

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Question: 

It has been 2 years since our most recent D-day and my spouse has issues with creating safety. When I express grief in any way, regardless of my approach, I'm met with defenses, condescension, judgement, and anger- even during a trigger! It's exhaustive to continually be given the message that my feelings don't matter, that he's the victim, and deal with his lack of empathy. He acknowledges the problems and keeps promising to "do better." Theres very little progress. He's in counseling and EMS but nothing is getting through to him. He won't own the consequences that his choices have made. I've also had to ask him to make amends and woo me tons of times. He checks boxes occasionally but typically has an excuse and then apology for not being consistent. he'll do it right after I ask and then stop. I stop asking for months and nothing happens during that time. He never did nice things for me over 17 years but he's researched how to do them (because I asked him to) but just won't. How long do I endure the piling hurts and wait for him to own it and create consistent safety? It feels impossible to overcome the last 2 years of his ambivalence?

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