You Can't Spend Your Time Running from the Trauma of Infidelity

Samuel shares key points on how to gain momentum early on in recovery.

Comments

Question

Submitted by jeh53 on Wed, 05/23/2018 - 12:01

Great and helpful video, Samuel. I have watched most all of your videos for nearly 3 1/2 years, as my D-day was end of Dec. 2014. I am the betrayed. My husband is a sex addict, who cheated in our marriage for 28+ years. My question is, how does one “sit with the pain” and process through it? I have heard many people say this, and have read books/articles that say this - however, I don’t know how to do this or what a person does to “sit in the pain.” Do we just sit and think about how horrific it is and how God awful much it hurts? Because the more I think about the pain, the more it hurts, my anger and fear return, the horrible images and triggers come back, etc., etc., and I imagine you get the picture.
We have done EMS twice, I have done Harboring Hope, husband started Hope for Healing but did not finish and we have had countless hours of counseling in Austin. I am still hurting and devastated from the magnitude of what he did.
If possible, can you give me guidance, suggestions how I can “sit in the pain” so it will help me?
Thank you again so much for all you do for couples struggling and healing from infidelity.

jeh53....sitting with the pain...

Submitted by Samuel on Fri, 06/01/2018 - 11:32

sorry for the delay. i don't always get notifications. here's an article, though not infidelity related, on how people can sit with painful emotions: https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-sit-with-painful-emotions/ it's very simple and straightforward, but not infidelity specific or what not. it does give some examples of not trying to numb the pain or excuse it away. sitting with the pain in many ways means accepting it and that its not going to go away. it's something to process through and allow to teach you about yourself, your present mindset and how you repond to adversity. as we sit with the pain, many times we then have the freedom to get up, walk away and not have it dominate our thoughts, our emotions and our personalilty. sitting with it shows your power to NOT sit with it at times and to have the choice to move forward despite being in incredible pain. hope that helps you and sheds some light.

Thank you

Submitted by jeh53 on Fri, 06/01/2018 - 11:57

Thank you for your reply. Yes, that does help and I will check out the article. You are the first person that has shed some clarity on this "sitting with the pain" issue and I am grateful for your reply.
Honestly, your vlogs have helped me and my husband a lot in the past 3 1/2 years (total time since first d-day) and I continue to read them because you are very honest, insightful and caring.
Thank you again for your reply. I apologize if I came on strong in my last message, and I appreciate your quick response.

How Long?

Submitted by anna26 on Wed, 05/23/2018 - 17:51

How long does it take before the good times out number the bad times? We have been 1.5 years Post 1st D-day and 9 months Post 2nd D-Day. There won’t be anymore D-Days....I’m the unfaithful. Just when I think it’s starting to turn for the better, something triggers him and we take 10 steps back. When does it finally keep moving forward instead of back??? Thank you for your videos, they are incredibly helpful.

it's normal....

Submitted by Samuel on Fri, 06/01/2018 - 11:26

hi anna26, it's very normal. i'm sorry that it's like that, but it's very normal, even 9 months later. what help have you utilized? what recovery work are you doing and have you done? that will be a telling sign for sure as if you're getting the right help, i can speak to some things. if you're not, i can also speak to a few things. triggers are normal i can tell you that. here are a couple videos on triggers and working together as well: https://www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse https://www.affairrecovery.com/qa-what-each-spouses-role-handling-triggers

Love the Vlogs. Are there

Submitted by suzod on Fri, 06/08/2018 - 13:10

Love the Vlogs. Are there transcripts available?
Thank you,
S

Still hurting after 3 to 4 years

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 06/13/2018 - 20:44

Why or how can I stop hurting over my spouse's betrayal. My spouse made a choice to leave me and ask for a divorce. He left me for his mistress who is now 71 years old, I'm 58. He is very aggressive in our separation. He sold the house that he owned before we got married, and left me homeless. He paraded his mistress around town, we live in a very small town and many people know him and myself. The humiliation tore me apart so much so, I had to go to the hospital for sudden heart problems. The stress flip the switch also for diabetes. He now lives with her (mistress) and has made it very clear we are over. I feel this is best now, but if you asked me 2 years ago I would have said I wanted to save my marriage. We are still married pending a divorce. Why does he have to be so mean going through this divorce when he is the one that wanted it. I still hurt so much, but I can tell I'm healing very slowly almost Mico-steps I feel. I want this pain to stop but it is still with me. I don't share it with anyone anymore because they all say I should be done with it by now. I have asked him to trying counseling with me through Affairs recovery he just laughed and said we tried counseling and we did for 3 months with someone who did not know how to handle this kind of problem. The counselor said I needed to try harder not to talk about it and put it behind me. I know now this is not the way it works. I did boot camp alone cause he would not do it. My heart breaks still. Any advise on how to heal, And no now I don't want him back, he torn my world apart. He even got excommunicated from church over his multiple affairs. Please help and advise Thank you Cathleen

cathleen....i'm so sorry

Submitted by Samuel on Mon, 06/18/2018 - 12:32

hi there. thank you for posting. i would do harboring hope found here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i would also search out a good therapist that deals with trauma and something like emdr which is a form of treatment for trauma. i would also consider a 12 step program like alanon or something along those lines as, while he may not have been an alocholic, you've had to live with pain and hurt from the choices of another and the 12 step model is a great way to cope with the pain and the hurt. some don't enjoy it, others love it. so depending on your background and belief system you may love it. it's time to heal and move on and focus on your own healing cathleen. you can't control him but you can control your response to his choices and how you choose to heal and move on into the next chapter of your life. hope that helps you.

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