How can the Unfaithful be so Angry?

It's a common struggle: understanding why the unfaithful are so angry, when they are the one's who've cheated. Today I discuss some very common reasons why the unfaithful struggles with anger early on in recovery.

Add New Comment:


From my view

I have learned so much from your videos. Thanks so much for your help through my struggle. I would like to say that although this video is explaining from the unfaithful's feelings, the betrayed can also begin to feel these same emotions. I am going through this myself. My situation is extremely complicated and the feeling of being rejected over and over again by a an unsure spouse is difficult to accept and to get over.

thank you Maria...and you're right...

Maria, that's the problem with 6 or 7 minute can't say all that needs to be said. i agree totally and the betrayed has very similar feelings, but when the unfaithful is angry, it's typically due to these types of struggles. i'm sorry for the trauma you're walking through but thank you for your kind words and i hope in some way i've helped you. take care and again thanks for watching.

Samuel thanks again, in my

Samuel thanks again, in my wife she did not show anger to me but from people how knew and talked with her at the time she was angry I found her old phone, she was angry we took the EMSO, I senced her anger but she did not display to me directly. The one thing she did show was a lack of trust in me. She is not at the stage with me now probably because with the exception of my only triggers and flooding at the same time I ne er showed her anger unless provoked by her which again were times I caught her in contact with her AP. But her anger was probably just below the surface. I fear she has just buried things and not trully delt with what happened, still can not talk about what happened. She is feeling much better then she has in a long time. And we have better marriage but I do have to find a way for her to be able to be open and honest with me. That may just bring out the anger. I would love for her to do the H4H if we could get a scholarship but my fear is she did not do very well in the EMSO so not sure if she will do well in the H4H. It is different we are well over a year past EMSO and she does admit she could use some help. It was tough at the time we did EMSO the other couple with the unfaithful wife dropped out and for the most part everyone in the group was pretty cold to each other not to mention the have all filed for divorce we are the only ones who have not do my wife felt strange there was no one else to reach out to and tjings would get very unconfortable at times on the calls, a lot of struggles I know it really made her feel very unconfortable.

Brilliant clip on anger - so

Brilliant clip on anger - so resonates with me - my husband walked out on me and our two children (age 4 and 5 at the time of his departure) and to my astonishment the main emotions coming my way after he walked was anger and blaming (blaming me for everything and anything). so hard to understand and so hard not to exacerbate those angry/blaming emotions by being defensive and angry myself. thank you for this amazing blog. In particular the stuff about perceived rejection - genuinely i have never intentionally rejected and he has never told me that I did but I accept that is probably one of the factors. sad that in my case the "truth" will only come out one way or another when he gets into the same relationship situations with someone else and he can litmus test whether it was indeed me rejecting him (and he makes it work elsewhere) or it was something else completely. As you say the midlife thing is also a factor - he left one month before his 40th birthday and informed me before he walked out the door that he was "having a midlife crisis"

Now that I understand this,

Now that I understand this, what do I do with the knowledge? I understand the rejection/perceived rejection, what can I do now? I understand communicating respect, love and acceptance, but is there more to be learned here then just realizing that your spouse needs those things? How can one say I understand those feelings without either side getting the impression that the affair was at least somewhat justified because of this?

next steps...

i think godismyanchor, that you know the affair was/is/will never be justified, but perhaps it's just an awakening inside of you to areas you could change? maybe they were just deficiencies. maybe life got in the way. owning those does not mean that the affair is justifiable at all, and there are always areas you can change. making a change in an area(s) does not mean in any way his affair was ok, but it's just that: making a change. shoring up areas in your marriage maybe. doing some things different. i'd make it simple in that he needs to make changes, but you need to make changes, g o i n g f o r w a r d. it just means, look going forward, there needs to be changes in the marriage. now, as my wife samantha would always say, 'yah but if there is a gaping hole that's never satisfied, something is wrong.' yes. good point. and you'll need to see and pray/think critically if that is the case in him and his life or if it's that you just need to make adjustments or both. it's not about whose right or wrong or who is the bad guy, but making the marriage better and making the marriage safer and making recovery better. does that make sense?

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer

Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Be intentional with your healing with this free 7-day bootcamp.
I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas