Q&A What Does Transparency, Accountability, and External Controls Look like in Recovery?

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Question: 

My husband of 29 years had a two-year, fully-involved affair with a subordinate at work. I have repeatedly asked for his phone to be left in plain sight and login credentials to his social media, email, etc. After nine months, he now leaves his personal phone out on the counter, but he has a passcode-protected work phone, which he has not yet given me access to, nor do I have log-in for his social media accounts. I want to insist on unfettered access, to decide for myself what is happening, but I also want him to do the right thing on his own. The challenge I fear is his history of deleting and denying everything before I can verify for myself. I worry that if I request access to his work phone he will wipe it clean before giving it to me unless I take it at the moment, and I don’t want a power struggle. Am I a fool for not insisting he give these things up to me by now? We recently completed EMS Weekend (which helped greatly) and are scheduled to begin Harboring Hope and Hope for Healing. We have not set up any controls or accountability, I want to extend trust wisely but I don’t know what support to seek in order to protect myself. What does transparency, accountability, and external controls look like in recovery?

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