Trying to win back a betrayed partner's heart after shattering them with your infidelity is not an easy task. It's a challenge, but a worthwhile pursuit. While some betrayeds are not willing to allow their hearts to be pursued or won back after infidelity, many are willing and even aching for that reconnection. The struggle is how to do so, when the betrayed barely understands their own pain, trauma and confusing reactions. The unfaithful can misread their cues and find themselves growing more and more frustrated by the hour. There is a better way to heal, a better way to pursue your betrayed partner, without feeling like the proverbial door is being slammed in your face as an unfaithful, time and time again. Today Samuel provides a no-nonsense, straightforward video on how to minimize mistakes, and actually cut through the fog and reach the...
Ambivalence - am·biv·a·lence /amˈbivələns/ (noun).
The state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone, simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (such as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action, continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite), or uncertainty as to which approach to follow.
The word ambivalence is often misused to mean apathy or indifference, when in fact, it actually means strong feelings in opposition to each other, not the absence of feelings.
After betrayal, it is normal and expected to have all kinds of feelings. Most of them are pretty terrible as you would expect, but there are surprising feelings of love, connection, desire, bonding, and things along those lines that really can catch us off guard. It does not mean you are crazy, weak,...
When a relationship has been devastated by infidelity or addiction, we need answers. We want help, we want solace, and we want our broken hearts to heal. But, not everyone is as eager as we think they should be to seek healing. But why? Is it because of a past wound from a professional? Is it because the unfaithful has new information to share that they refuse to give up? Whatever the reason, refusing to get help after you've cheated or your spouse has cheated causes even more suspicion and confusion in the aftermath of discovery. Samuel often says, "the right people will give you the right process and bring about the right outcome." Today he'll discuss further why some unfaithful and betrayed partners refuse to get help, and how to proceed ahead anyway. While one partner may refuse to get help, it doesn't mean the other party can't take...
Part 1: Understanding the Paralysis of it Part 2: Have you Been Dishonored? Part 3: Surviving Infidelity Isn't Enough Part 4: Four Ways to Stay in it
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Untransformed shame leaves you forever tied to the pain, and pain that's not transformed will always be transmitted. The thought of...
Healing from infidelity is not for the faint of heart. After the disclosure of an affair, both spouses find themselves traumatized, looking for answers, direction and hope. As society has evolved and infidelity has become its own epidemic, there seems to be a wealth of advice being thrown out across the globe. Finding experienced, compassionate survivors and healers has become a necessary component to those who are courageously trying to heal from infidelity or addiction. While lists upon lists of what to do can oftentimes be helpful, have you ever wondered what NOT to do when it comes to healing and restoration? Have you ever wondered what might delay your healing, complicate your recovery, and frustrate the entire process? You’re in luck: today Samuel shares five poignant mistakes couples and individuals make that can significantly delay...
Part 1: Understanding the Paralysis of it Part 2: Have you Been Dishonored? Part 3: Surviving Infidelity Isn't Enough Part 4: Part 4: Four Ways to Stay in it
Imagine this: On Super Bowl Sunday, I walk out of my friend's viewing party and fumble drunkenly behind the wheel of my car. On my way home, I hit and kill a pedestrian on his bicycle. I choose to announce my pending jail sentence in this newsletter because I know the news will soon be picked up by national media.
If this scenario...
A winning hand of victim cards would include a royal flush of blame, powerlessness, self-deception, self-pity, and fear. Hanging onto these victim cards has been a key reason that my husband and I have struggled during recovery. In fact, an Affair Recovery video I listened to recently said that the unfaithful playing the victim is the single most intolerable thing we can do in the healing process. But being a victim is an easy way for me to avoid responsibility for my actions. Being accountable is hard, uncomfortable and requires courage and vulnerability. Since I have shame and a false image to uphold, the choice is clear. When I am faced with the backlash of my actions, my go-to moves are to deny, blame, justify, minimize, and protect, protect, protect my fragile sense of self. To take accountability is terrifying, and I would rather not go there. While this way of thinking may seem like a safe win for me, it...
The journey of the unfaithful spouse eventually reveals a need to confront shame. Those who feel ashamed often continue to do shameful things, and we know infidelity can be incredibly shameful for all parties involved, even for peripheral family members and close friends. Without a plan to confront and heal shame in the life of the unfaithful, both parties in the relationship or marriage can feel behind schedule, if not altogether stuck. The good news is, shame doesn’t have to be the taskmaster in the relationship, nor does it have to be the ruling force in the life of the unfaithful party. As it’s been said before, “there is a better way.” When an unfaithful spouse can do specific and targeted work to heal their shame, they proceed further and further toward forgiving themselves. When a former unfaithful enters into the process of genuinely...
Registration for Harboring Hope Opens Soon!
For most of us, whether we are betrayed or unfaithful, thinking back to D-day conjures vivid images of shock and horror, feelings of shame and disbelief, and a period of suspended animation. We recall falling off the edge of the world as we knew it and into a pit of numbness and despair. I remember too. It took the breath right out of me.
As painful as that experience was, looking back I have a different perspective on D-day. I see it as the day my husband finally let me in. Despite shattering my world, he finally gave us a chance to truly know each other and the potential to experience unconditional love. Prior to D-day that was not possible. He had been hiding from me, wearing a mask, keeping his secret and shutting me out. I was married to someone I did not really know. That was not fair to either of us, and would never have allowed us to be real in our marriage and realize our true potential....
