I was reading through many of my journal entries during the first year after discovery. I have several journals that are stuffed with scribbles, thoughts, and pages of raw and bloodied emotion. As I thumb through the hundreds of pages, I can see the narrative of God slowly eradicating my shame. When it came to my betrayed husband though, the theme of my writing seemed to revolve around a feeling of frustration and desperation.
Early on, I seemed obsessed with trying to ease his pain and fear by searching frantically for some way to show him I wouldn't hurt him again.
Pages were filled with repetitive questions and thoughts like:
Samuel interviews Rick the founder of affairrecovery.com on defensiveness and how to remedy it.
Samuel discuses an important recovery tool for those who deal with anger in repair work.
Samuel discusses gaslighting and both the betrayed and unfaithful spouse.
If there was a scale of emotions, I think it's safe to say we all prefer to be somewhere right in the middle; somewhere between 65 and 75 degrees. . . not too hot, not too cold.
If your story and recovery has looked anything like ours, then you've probably realized that you and your mate's emotions can go way off the charts. We have been on roller coasters of highs and lows. We've experienced days where there seems to be no love or hope left at all. Days where frozen is an understatement and we have nothing to give one another but icy feelings and a steel heart.
There have also been times we have been on the other end of the spectrum. Anger fired at one another by means of blazing, hot words and a rage that burns so deep, it makes you feel nothing short of crazy.
Still other days, we feel an inkling of hope. Is...
As a real estate and small business attorney, I have always been drawn to the processes that emerge during real estate and business deals. Emotions run high at the hope of future opportunity in the early stages. As particulars are investigated, uncertainties become clearer and some risks become calculable. There is always a gap between what is known and what can only be projected. Ultimately, the constraints of resources and time merge to force a decision. It is in that moment that instincts prevail and the process becomes poetic. It is also in that moment that the uneasy feelings of uncertainty rise and the warm sense of hope and safety take a back seat. Much like standing on the edge of a cliff and looking over, the greater the stakes, the greater the "pucker factor." Lately, I find myself in that spot in my marriage.
I am a little over 20 months out from D-day. My wife and I have committed ourselves to tons of work through...
If you find yourself in the first few months of discovery, chances are you are enduring many mornings that you don't see the point of getting out of bed. Your world and life as you knew it are gone. Life can seem empty and cold. Looking back on our first six months after discovery, there were days it seemed like an eternity of pure hell.
Grief doesn't even begin to describe it. Like many of you, we have all endured losses. We've lost parents. We've lost jobs. Some out there have even lost children. While none of us are immune to pain, the pain caused by infidelity is a category of its own.
Today I want to share with you one of the best things that happened to me about three months in. A friend told me three simple words that gave me immense hope.
This friend knew everything I had done to...
Samuel shares a humorous but telling story about his motivation in recovery work.
Part 1: The Fog of Self Desception Part 2: Were They Predisposed to Cheat? Part 3: Justifications of the Unfaithful
Below is a discussion between myself and one of my clients, Amy, explaining her rationale behind her affair:
Amy: When we first met, my affair partner asked if I'd ever considered modeling. I asked him if...
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