Can People Change

we cannot undo our past but it doesnt take a lot of light to pierce through the darkness-survivors Blog-Elizabeth-Can-People-Change

If you find yourself in the first few months of discovery, chances are you are enduring many mornings that you don't see the point of getting out of bed. Your world and life as you knew it are gone. Life can seem empty and cold. Looking back on our first six months after discovery, there were days it seemed like an eternity of pure hell.

Grief doesn't even begin to describe it. Like many of you, we have all endured losses. We've lost parents. We've lost jobs. Some out there have even lost children. While none of us are immune to pain, the pain caused by infidelity is a category of its own.

Today I want to share with you one of the best things that happened to me about three months in. A friend told me three simple words that gave me immense hope.

This friend knew everything I had done to my husband because she selflessly watched our kids while my husband and I attended EMS Weekend together. She has graciously stepped into our mess without judgement or picking sides and continues to do that today. She has cheered us on, but not gotten into our business. And she has guarded our hearts by not sharing our pain with others.

One day I had to go over to her house to pick up our kids after school. As you all know, the daily grind doesn't stop for infidelity. We all learn how to cope by putting on a face for the outside world while our insides are crumbling. I guess this particular day she could see the hopelessness and despair on my face and she asked me how I was doing.

I can't remember what I said exactly. But she did know how hard I was working at trying to begin to sort out the mess I had created. I'm quite certain shame was still the master emotion of anything that came out of my mouth.

I will never forget how she looked directly in my eyes and said something to me, that looking back, was a game changer for me.

She said, "You know Elizabeth, people can change."

She then asked if I believed that. To be honest, I don't think I had considered the possibility.

She saw something and believed in me when I couldn't. She simply offered me some hope. She offered me some much-needed Jesus encouragement that I could be more than my choices.

Our betrayed spouses deserve the dignity of getting the choice to stay in the relationship or not. My job was and is to change. Change my destructive patterns and behaviors so that I can grant my husband the ability to decide what he needs and wants.

My friend's words gave me hope. She believed in me when I was lost. She saw something I couldn't see but needed to hear.

If you are the unfaithful, it is very easy (especially early on) to stay silent and stuck in the hopelessness that you may never have a different life after what you have done. While it is true we can not undo our pasts, the hope of the cross reminds me it doesn't take a lot of light to pierce through darkness.

Affair Recovery is full of resources and people that can help remind you of that. If you haven't taken Hope for Healing or Harboring Hope, please consider signing up. You will find others to encourage you in this journey while your mate heals.

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Can people change

I am blessed once again by you Sharing your heart. What a blessing to have had a friend who encouraged you in the right direction :-) I was reading my devotions this morning. The verse I will share goes i believe goes along with what you wrote very well. It spoke to my heart. It tells us how we can change in a nutshell.
“He must become greater; I must become less.””
‭‭John‬ ‭3:30‬ ‭NIV
Blessings to you.

Thanks for that. What a

Thanks for that. What a great prayer for each of us every day.

Elizabeth

Thank you Elizabeth for your honesty. One of the things I struggle with is simply how could one woman participate in hurting another woman.
My mother raised me to always guard my sister's hearts and to this day I am protective of their hearts even if they are sisters from different mothers. I am not sure I will ever forgive my husband . How do I forgive the AP?

This is such a good response

This is such a good response and you are so right. One of the parts of my regret and my remorse is how carelessly I tossed aside my AP's spouses and their feelings. I'm so grateful for your mother's lesson. It is a good one, as I am still learning my own value. Funny how when you live a life of shame and worthlessness, you tend to project that onto others (I know I have). Now that I see that very differently. As much as I can offer, I will say that you can take care of your own hurt first. There is no rush to forgiveness. What we, the unfaithful have done comes at an enormous cost to you, so you can take all the time you need. You don't have to know that yet (whether you can forgive). I hope your husband is taking steps towards repentance. As for the AP, she is likely a very lost and broken woman like I have been, who probably comes from a long line of brokenness. Doesn't make her actions right, but hurt people, hurt people. One day your feelings of hurt and anger may turn to sorrow for her. But for now, you can maybe just table forgiveness for her.

Forgiveness

Thank you for giving me permission to table forgiveness.

Yes...people can change.

Great article. Especially for those unfaithful. Agree 100% that people can change, as I am one of those. However, the possibility of change is only possible if the desire, will, etc. to change is present. The internal commitment and accountability one must possess to change after being unfaithful is paramount.

Thanks for your feedback. I

Thanks for your feedback. I am happy to hear that you can relate to the strong and intrinsic desire to never go back to who we once were. I am certain that you bring a lot of hope to many who wonder if change is possible. And yes, accountability is key!

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