Thanks for another great video. Did you find that during recovery you “got it” at a faster rate than your wife reached healing? At two years out and following so much work on his part that he has progressed through this process much faster than I did. I get that we are coming at this crisis from two different perspectives. He feels redemption and it was trauma on my side. Just wondering when do we get to
Common ground?

Great perspective. I think sometimes we hear ( as the betrayed ) “I did not do this or that BECAUSE I thought you would feel anxious or upset. “ while that is good ,noble empathetic and it IS progress. I think sometimes you want them just to be doing it because it’s the right thing to do for themselves . This vlog hit the nail on the head .

"show her the way that you prioritize the things she expressed that she needs to see from you to feel safe"

Samuel this piece rings so true for me. My UW is doing so much like what you talk about in this vlog about telling me how hard she's trying, how she isn't hurting me anymore, on and on, and you're right, I'm just not feeling it. I've told her the things I need - to see her reading about infidelity, sharing with me her recognition of those things that were broken and talk about how she's working on them. After her doing this to me twice. Once at the beginning of our marriage and again 16 years later - just being faithful and truthful in our relationship isn't enough for me to feel ok, and to reconcile wholeheartedly. Just being kind and empathetic to me isn't either. I need to SEE that she is actively doing the things to face herself. To recognize her brokenness.

We can't seem to break through this, and no matter how many times I tell her what I need to see, she seems to decide that what she thinks or feels is the right stuff should work, and when it doesn't, well, its some version of "Ironsides, you have to accept me the way I am". I just can't get her to see that part I quoted above and why it's so very important. I think all she hears is me "bossing her around". Its been 2.5 years of this, and its pretty much been the same from the beginning "You can't be the one to tell me how to heal". Which is true, but this isn't about me healing her, its about her helping me by showing me that she is in fact healing, and recognizes what it is she's healing from. Not just "I'm not going to cheat or lie any more".

As always, Samuel, thank you so much for these blogs. I don't always agree with you. Sometimes you make me mad, but I appreciate them all the same.