Why or Why Not Do Recovery Work after Infidelity?

Samuel shares a humorous but telling story about his motivation in recovery work.

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Thanks for another great

Thanks for another great video. Did you find that during recovery you “got it” at a faster rate than your wife reached healing? At two years out and following so much work on his part that he has progressed through this process much faster than I did. I get that we are coming at this crisis from two different perspectives. He feels redemption and it was trauma on my side. Just wondering when do we get to
Common ground?

without question.....i was moving pretty fast...she was not....

that's absolutely normal my friend.  it's to be expected and quite honestly, i would safely say that it's that way about 75% of the time easily.  two way different perspectives and way too much trauma on your end to move at his speed and he absolutely has to be ok with that and expect that.  also, it comes in waves.  he may be in a good wave right now, but come up against some stuff emotionally soon that causes him to feel that kick in the teeth and he slows a bit....then ramps back up and back and forth back and forth.  very normal and to be expected.  so glad you're on the site and watching.  thanks for leaving a comment too. 

Great perspective. I think

Great perspective. I think sometimes we hear ( as the betrayed ) “I did not do this or that BECAUSE I thought you would feel anxious or upset. “ while that is good ,noble empathetic and it IS progress. I think sometimes you want them just to be doing it because it’s the right thing to do for themselves . This vlog hit the nail on the head .

"show her the way that you

"show her the way that you prioritize the things she expressed that she needs to see from you to feel safe"

Samuel this piece rings so true for me. My UW is doing so much like what you talk about in this vlog about telling me how hard she's trying, how she isn't hurting me anymore, on and on, and you're right, I'm just not feeling it. I've told her the things I need - to see her reading about infidelity, sharing with me her recognition of those things that were broken and talk about how she's working on them. After her doing this to me twice. Once at the beginning of our marriage and again 16 years later - just being faithful and truthful in our relationship isn't enough for me to feel ok, and to reconcile wholeheartedly. Just being kind and empathetic to me isn't either. I need to SEE that she is actively doing the things to face herself. To recognize her brokenness.

We can't seem to break through this, and no matter how many times I tell her what I need to see, she seems to decide that what she thinks or feels is the right stuff should work, and when it doesn't, well, its some version of "Ironsides, you have to accept me the way I am". I just can't get her to see that part I quoted above and why it's so very important. I think all she hears is me "bossing her around". Its been 2.5 years of this, and its pretty much been the same from the beginning "You can't be the one to tell me how to heal". Which is true, but this isn't about me healing her, its about her helping me by showing me that she is in fact healing, and recognizes what it is she's healing from. Not just "I'm not going to cheat or lie any more".

As always, Samuel, thank you so much for these blogs. I don't always agree with you. Sometimes you make me mad, but I appreciate them all the same.

i have an idea.....

thank you for the kind words my friend.  i would suggest an idea.  ask her to do one of our courses or the ems weekend with you and here's why:  she will NOT hear you objectively.  she's not going to listen to you and hear you without some sort of jaded approach as you've been together too long.  the voice is too filled with hurt and projection and shame in her mind.  she needs objectivity and someone who is an expert and can speak to it.  not a general therapist either.  see if she will do the ems online with you or the hope for healing on her own and also the ems weekend.  stop trying to get her to hear you as she won't.  she needs another expert, objective voice.  this video will explain more:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbzdOTviuBI&t=388s  see what you think my friend.  very sorry for the delay,.  been inundated with comments/questions etc and it's been tough to keep up. impossible is more like it. 

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