Samuel shares a necessary adjustment to early recovery work for those in crisis.
During college, I had five very close friends. After graduating, we all moved off to separate parts of the country and began to conquer our small piece of the world. As time went on, somehow, we all wound up marrying women that got along with one another. A few summers later, we all rented a beach house together for a week just to reunite. The trip was such a success it turned into an annual ritual. One we have all kept sacred for over a decade.
The first night of our yearly reunions we would gather on the beach to catch up on the prior year. Conversation would go late into the night and often into early morning. The drinks flowed freely, and the time was redeeming. Over time, the houses grew grander and, as the dragons we slay in our professional lives became more significant, the experience became more polished. The cheap whiskey turned to fine bourbons and scotch...
I ask myself this question a lot. I guess it's more of a fear of mine than a question. In a rational state of mind I can answer this easily: of course not. Infidelity is a choice. No one put a gun to my head and made me cross the line. No one forced me to be unfaithful. And like the source for eye color or skin tone, I don't think there is a "ruin your spouse's life by having an affair" gene.
If you've done much reading or work in the Affair Recovery courses, you have likely heard us wayward spouses refer to being in states of limerence – something similar to being in a fog. "We were out of our minds during our affairs", we say. And while all of that may be true, I greatly fear someday that my own children could be unfaithful because I was. I realize this might...
Samuel discusses the sensitive topic of when betrayed spouses have affairs of their own.
Samuel discusses ways of finding support in recovery work.
"Should I stay or should I go? If I go, there will be trouble. If I stay, it will be double . . ." ~The Clash
I am a child of schoolhouse rock, a product of the age in which skate parks were invented, parachute pants were high fashion, and most of the girls I wanted to date had big hair and blue eye shadow. Lucky for me I made one of those beauties my wife. Rebellion for her in our southern catholic high school (yes, I see the irony . . . especially considering we were both protestant) was wearing too many rings which violated dress code. Wow - how did things escalate so wildly into the destructive behaviors of late?
With a wife willing to try to save the marriage, the biggest question post d-day quickly became: should I stay, or should I go? I'm thankful that early in my journey I was told I was...
Today my words come from a very insecure and needy place. Insecure because I'm trying hard to use words instead of behaviors to show how I feel and what I need. This "voice" seems childlike and continues to grow because it is still somewhat unfamiliar to me. My words might sound crazy but I promise I'm not a lunatic! My psychologist refers to me in "parts" like this, so I am going to do the same here today.
The needy part of this voice is the one I am most uncomfortable with. I have always hated and detested the needy part of me so I constantly reduced its expression.
One of the silver linings of coming out of infidelity is that you literally, and I mean literally, have nothing to lose. I have hit rock bottom. I have done what I said I would never do. I have shamed my family,...
Samuel shares insight on what the betrayed spouse can and should do when their unfaithful wont lead recovery efforts.
Samuel discusses a poignant topic in recovery work regarding the unfaithful spouse.
Samuel tackles a common question of betrayed spouses who are endeavoring to pursue their own healing.
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