What Should the Betrayed Spouse Do When There Is Lack of Initiative in Recovery Work?

Samuel shares insight on what the betrayed spouse can and should do when their unfaithful wont lead recovery efforts.

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broken wing

Dear Samuel, I listened to this video around 2:00 this morning, as always it was what I needed to hear. First of all, I want to thank you and Samantha for saving my life in 2018. I am working through all 300 plus videos, have started Bootcamp, my binders of notes now number eight. I am on my sixth journal, thanks to Samantha's suggestion, another lifeline. (My husband hates my journals also, he actually turns white when he sees me with one in my hand)!
I think it's crucial for us, the betrayed, to hear from Samantha. Even though it is years later for you, she will always be your victim, correct? She seems to me to complete the picture of a horrific time in both of your lives, without her testimony we would never have known the other side of the story. I cannot imagine any other event that could trump the potential destruction of your family and mine, and from listening to your videos, thousands of other's lives also. I am hoping Samantha will do updates for us victims from time to time. Samantha has walked on burning coals, and come out I'm sure still broken, but there she is, still. This is mind boggling to me.
This video is the first for me to watch in 2019. You have made it clear that God does talk to us through people such as you and Samantha. I have heard of this, but never could apply it to myself.
I was wondering if you might do a video that answers the question that came up over the holidays and is haunting me now. I heard that if an unfaithful cheats in one area of your marriage, there is a really good chance that he/she cheats in other areas. For me the infidelity is financial infidelity. Is it normal to wonder now about my spouse cheating in the other areas? Sexual, emotional? If the unfaithful proves what he/she is capable of doing to their spouse by cheating horrifically in any of these areas, and the betrayed now has that information, what does a betrayed spouse do in order to try to inch their way through the rest of their life? Do you have to torture yourself wondering, looking for clues? And forever?
You may have answered this already and I haven't listened to that answer as of yet, for that I apologize for. I will eventually have listened and learned from all 300 plus videos, but until you write a book, I want to copy your transcripts, and it's time consuming. I love every minute of it of course!
I hope it is true that God hates divorce, but He hates abuse more. This video supports that, thank you. I'm not sure I will grow old with my spouse, but I continue to fight for my marriage. Most days I wonder why, but Samantha made it, so I can too., You have given us the wisdom, permission almost, to know when it's just plain time to give up and move on. Thank you so much, and thank you for 2018 with Affair Recovery's lifelines for those such as myself. Never have I been so thankful for modern technology!

such a gracious comment...

thank you broken wing.  means so much.  we just recorded our first podcast, samantha and I and there will be many more.  it's not public yet and not up and running, but will be soon.  your comment encourages me so much and gives us both such hope for what we do and the sacrifice involved to help so many.  however, please know samantha is no longer broken and no longer a victim.  she will always be the number one victim of my affair...yess....but she is not a victim and does not let herself be labeled that way as she is an overcomer and has overcome the devastation of it all.  i'll use your question on our next podcast to ask her and get her thoughts for sure.  it's great feedback and a wonderful series of questions to ask her to speak to.  thank you so much for your heart to encourage and to give us both hope.  means so much.


Thank you for all of the

Thank you for all of the videos you post for us! I’m wondering if you have done a video that addresses the betrayeds lack of initiative in recovery? I feel like we are stuck. 22 years since affair and 4 years since last details disclosed. I’m currently doing H4H and we’ve done the FOF Hope Restored intensive as well as me some individual counseling over the years. My BH is not interested in doing HH or an EMS weekend. It has not gone very well when we try to implement the communication tools we’ve been taught He says I weaponize everything. I know he reads a lot of materials online but when I suggest HH or that he find a men’s group or a mentor he can talk to he tells me he doesn’t need to do any work or anything, that he’s not the one that ####, I am so I’m the one that has to be fixed. He was betrayed be his first wife also and I really dont think he ever healed from that. I know his pain has to run very deep. I'm needing guidance on what is iok for me as the UW to expect from my BS if anything. Or guidance to identify if I really am /just a mean cold self centered ‘b’ that really is weaponizing.

tough call...

hi there.  i'm not quite sure as I don't want to try and play armchair counselor.  the reality is, if he is not willing to do any other work, then you have to ask yourself if that's enough and if you're ok with that?  If not, then you'll need to consider asking him or telling him that you need more help or you may not be able to go any further in the marriage.  if however you feel he's done enough, and you're ok with that, then you'll want to focus on your own healing and finding out if you're weaponizing or just standing your ground or what have you.  it's somewhat normal on his part to feel that way at times....but somewhat dysfunctional as i don't know enough nor all the details about your situation.  i do hope that helps in some small way.


hi there Samuel. I too am

hi there Samuel. I too am appreciative for all of your helpful and insightful video blogs. I am almost 3 months out from D-day and my husband of 31 years of marriage finally confessed to me he had an affair 21 years ago with another married woman he worked with and even supervised. I was pregnant at this time with our second child. I remember feeling very alone and sad most all through my pregnancy, knew that my husband was "disengaged" and checked out so to speak, not even going to my regular ob/gyn appointments with me. I had over the years had a strong gut feeling that something more happened in our marriage over this 10 month time period, and had even questioned him about my feelings however, he repeatedly assured me that "nothing of the sort happened." So, as you can imagine the disclosure of this truth after so many years of being told lies and deception has left me both devastated and heartbroken but validated in my suspicions that I really wasn't "crazy" for my thinking. My husband is a Christian and faithfully serves in our church, even leads a men's fraternity group ministry. Though he and I both were not living our lives for the Lord during the time of his affair, he has openly expressed deep regret, remorse, guilt, and shame for his behavior many years ago and had it not been for our participating in a small group class recently where God convicted his heart to confess his past sin and betrayal, he most likely would have never disclosed this to me and took this to his grave. So, yes the disclosure came from my husbands own confession, however its now left me trying to pick up all the shattered pieces of my broken heart and questioning everything about my life, my marriage over the past 31 years. We have 2 grown children who do not know and have decided there is really no benefit to disclosing this to them. We are currently in counseling (christian) both marriage/couples counseling and my husband receiving individual professional counseling himself. I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't experiencing full on rage, anger, bitterness, and resentment currently and have come to understand these feelings to be quite normal at this early phase of recovery we are in. But I hate it...I hate everything about this "roller coaster" wave of strong emotions that quite honestly on some days, renders me wasted and exhausted. I have started to journal some, spend time in prayer, reading scriptures, and even books on this topic. I find myself still in "disbelief" and "shock" over all of this. And yet, so wishing and hoping this wasn't our reality right now. My remaining in denial isn't helping me or my husband to move forward towards healing. I guess I am still "grieving" my 31 years yet. And, no matter what information I ask for, am told, still won't change a thing about my past. I know I have to come to a decision personally to "let go" of the past, it is gone. And, focus on the present and future life together. I also know I have to forgive my husband for being unfaithful. But right now, forgiving him for causing this sea of horrific hurt and pain I am experiencing is but miles away. I wondered though if you have ever actually did a blog specifically addressing how to deal with an affair that happened several years ago and that ended and any suggested ideas for either the betrayed or unfaithful in overcoming? I get it though, betrayal is betrayal and no amount of time passed makes it any less painful for the one who is betrayed. I told my husband at the time of disclosure while I realized this was ancient history to him since this was a time in his life he has tried hard to block from his memory, this new truth for me feels like it was "yesterday". Again, thank you for all of your helpful video blogs. I appreciate your honesty and transparency.

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