What Should the Betrayed Spouse Do When There Is Lack of Initiative in Recovery Work?

Samuel shares insight on what the betrayed spouse can and should do when their unfaithful wont lead recovery efforts.

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broken wing

Dear Samuel, I listened to this video around 2:00 this morning, as always it was what I needed to hear. First of all, I want to thank you and Samantha for saving my life in 2018. I am working through all 300 plus videos, have started Bootcamp, my binders of notes now number eight. I am on my sixth journal, thanks to Samantha's suggestion, another lifeline. (My husband hates my journals also, he actually turns white when he sees me with one in my hand)!
I think it's crucial for us, the betrayed, to hear from Samantha. Even though it is years later for you, she will always be your victim, correct? She seems to me to complete the picture of a horrific time in both of your lives, without her testimony we would never have known the other side of the story. I cannot imagine any other event that could trump the potential destruction of your family and mine, and from listening to your videos, thousands of other's lives also. I am hoping Samantha will do updates for us victims from time to time. Samantha has walked on burning coals, and come out I'm sure still broken, but there she is, still. This is mind boggling to me.
This video is the first for me to watch in 2019. You have made it clear that God does talk to us through people such as you and Samantha. I have heard of this, but never could apply it to myself.
I was wondering if you might do a video that answers the question that came up over the holidays and is haunting me now. I heard that if an unfaithful cheats in one area of your marriage, there is a really good chance that he/she cheats in other areas. For me the infidelity is financial infidelity. Is it normal to wonder now about my spouse cheating in the other areas? Sexual, emotional? If the unfaithful proves what he/she is capable of doing to their spouse by cheating horrifically in any of these areas, and the betrayed now has that information, what does a betrayed spouse do in order to try to inch their way through the rest of their life? Do you have to torture yourself wondering, looking for clues? And forever?
You may have answered this already and I haven't listened to that answer as of yet, for that I apologize for. I will eventually have listened and learned from all 300 plus videos, but until you write a book, I want to copy your transcripts, and it's time consuming. I love every minute of it of course!
I hope it is true that God hates divorce, but He hates abuse more. This video supports that, thank you. I'm not sure I will grow old with my spouse, but I continue to fight for my marriage. Most days I wonder why, but Samantha made it, so I can too., You have given us the wisdom, permission almost, to know when it's just plain time to give up and move on. Thank you so much, and thank you for 2018 with Affair Recovery's lifelines for those such as myself. Never have I been so thankful for modern technology!

such a gracious comment...

thank you broken wing.  means so much.  we just recorded our first podcast, samantha and I and there will be many more.  it's not public yet and not up and running, but will be soon.  your comment encourages me so much and gives us both such hope for what we do and the sacrifice involved to help so many.  however, please know samantha is no longer broken and no longer a victim.  she will always be the number one victim of my affair...yess....but she is not a victim and does not let herself be labeled that way as she is an overcomer and has overcome the devastation of it all.  i'll use your question on our next podcast to ask her and get her thoughts for sure.  it's great feedback and a wonderful series of questions to ask her to speak to.  thank you so much for your heart to encourage and to give us both hope.  means so much.


Thank you for all of the

Thank you for all of the videos you post for us! I’m wondering if you have done a video that addresses the betrayeds lack of initiative in recovery? I feel like we are stuck. 22 years since affair and 4 years since last details disclosed. I’m currently doing H4H and we’ve done the FOF Hope Restored intensive as well as me some individual counseling over the years. My BH is not interested in doing HH or an EMS weekend. It has not gone very well when we try to implement the communication tools we’ve been taught He says I weaponize everything. I know he reads a lot of materials online but when I suggest HH or that he find a men’s group or a mentor he can talk to he tells me he doesn’t need to do any work or anything, that he’s not the one that ####, I am so I’m the one that has to be fixed. He was betrayed be his first wife also and I really dont think he ever healed from that. I know his pain has to run very deep. I'm needing guidance on what is iok for me as the UW to expect from my BS if anything. Or guidance to identify if I really am /just a mean cold self centered ‘b’ that really is weaponizing.

tough call...

hi there.  i'm not quite sure as I don't want to try and play armchair counselor.  the reality is, if he is not willing to do any other work, then you have to ask yourself if that's enough and if you're ok with that?  If not, then you'll need to consider asking him or telling him that you need more help or you may not be able to go any further in the marriage.  if however you feel he's done enough, and you're ok with that, then you'll want to focus on your own healing and finding out if you're weaponizing or just standing your ground or what have you.  it's somewhat normal on his part to feel that way at times....but somewhat dysfunctional as i don't know enough nor all the details about your situation.  i do hope that helps in some small way.


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