How to Change the Dance in Recovery

Samuel shares ways to change particular marriage dances in recovery from affairs and infidelity.

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" Life changing moment"

Thank you for all your time and talent, energy and experience you and all put into AR and the Vblogs. I get so much information and knowledge from them. My question or feedback is this: there are about 14 Vblogs that I can pull up on my favorite list that you state " This was the life changing moment for us", me and Samantha". It is now coming across ( just to me probably) that you had many many moments but the V blogs communicate that it was at that " ah ha " moment things turned for the better. You had Rick face to face- almost all here do not, so it has been a bit challenging to grasp which moments are really moving or did move you both forward. It seems a big challenge to have these moments that you talk about without someone like Rick, Leslie or John working directly with you. Is that the main reason you both have made such an amazing recovery ? You had Rick one on one?

great question....

i have to say i agree with you, that i often times describe these moments. the fact is, i do the best i can with these vblogs, but there can sometimes be repetition as i try and really speak principally not just out of emotions or experience or story, and there can be some overlap. i had, and continue to have a ha moments for sure..even now. i give credit to my mentor, rick of course, the ems weekend we went to, and several books we read and a few key relationships. i don't think you need to have just rick or leslie etc, but you do need the people that are placed in your life to help you heal. they will help. if you're a christian, you need christ and the people he will put in your path to help you and love you. if you're not a christian, i do believe there are people that will be placed in your path to help you and walk with you through this crisis. you can and will find them if you're merely 'open' to finding them. my recovery was a bag of trash some days and a bag of diamonds others. hahaahh rick helped immensely. yes. but so did my mentor. so did books. i can't underscore rick enough as he saved my life and remember, i was a mess for a ton of reasons and was suicidal early on. i'm sorry for any confusion that i've shared, but i put a lot of time and energy and prayer into these, but at the end of the day i know they are not perfect and i'm sorry for that. i've had more moments than i could document but they had a variety of streams in which they came.

No apology needed/ not how I

No apology needed/ not how I wanted my post to come across. I just needed more clarification that the recovery was more of MANY MANY small " a ha" moments all put together to make the forward movement in the recovery process. Gosh don't change a thing about the VBlogs- just trying to understand the BIG PICTURE of recovering from this type of trauma. It is just almost impossible to endure the reality that the pain and hurt came from someone who gave their word/ promise/ vow to not cause this type of harm. Thanks for the reply.

How long is this dance?

The dance for us has been going on for six months after discovering a four year affair in a 28 year marriage. After watching most of your video blogs I finally got the courage to say enough is enough. It's time for me to move on. Since I'm already sleeping in another room, getting my own therapy and focusing on my own healing as well as advocating for my three grown daughters during their grief, the only consequence I haven't tried is to file for divorce. The part I just don't get is how/why I could stick around knowing what I know? Why is this so hard? It's crazy how many betrayed spouses are willing to nurture this for so long. I would have never guessed that I could even consider reconciliation after this much betrayal. He's still involved with th AP today. And the bigger question is why doesn't he want to end the marriage if he can't get over her? Your examples of ambivalent unfaithfuls are so on point with my husband but I have to believe by now he should have turned a corner. But all I see is more of the same dance.

jennyG...

hi there. for starters, thank you for posting and sharing and for your compliments. 2ndly, six months is not much time at all to be honest. even if you had wonderful help, it's not a ton of time at all and there are so many layers to this that it takes time, real time, to process. most say between a year and two years to heal and if there isn't a desire to heal, then it can take longer, like in your case. if he's still involved with the ap, there isn't much hope or likelihood he will change or show any signs of positive recovery. until the ap is out of the equation, even if it's temporarily, there won't be much work or hope or genuine change at all. he's just too enamored and caught in the seduction and chaos of it all. i wish it wasn't that way, but it's usually just the way it is. you're hanging around due to love. due to patience. due to the belief that things can change, he can change, this could change. it's more admirable than it feels or seems, but thank God you're willing to at least see. most in his position do not file for divorce. they are stuck. they don't know how to not be stuck. they think you won't file or stand up for yourself and they keep going and keep doing what they are doing. if you file, perhaps you'll see him shift and pursue you. if you file, he may actually move towards you. happens all the dang time. the fact that you're willing to consider restoration after so much betrayal is a testimony to your heart and your character. you have to decide how long you're willing to do that. you'll also have to decide if you want to change things and actually file and see if he moves toward you and makes a change. you'll continue to see this dance until you change it my friend.

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