Changing Patterns in Marriage, after Infidelity

Samuel shares key insight into changing patterns when one spouse seems to be the pursuer.

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Full disclosure after a year

Hi Samuel,
I've been watching your videos for several months now. Its has helped me a lot. I've been getting professional help as well and so has my betrayed spouse. However, I'm having a bit of trouble as it's been a year since he found out. I feel horrible because I've been dropping information on to him not in one go but for the span of this 1 year and only after a year i finally gave him a full disclosure. This happened because he wanted extreme details about the affair and every time i would give it to him i did not feel safe as he would sometimes leave. I know he is hurt and in so much pain and he has every right to be. Now we're back to square 1 and he doesn't think he can do it anymore. i want so badly to save the relationship. Do you think we can survive? How long was it with you before you gave full disclosure?

hi there.....

amira, thank you for commenting.  i gave full disclosure at ground zero and gave it all up right there.  drip feeding over time is just excruciating for the betrayed spouse.   i'm sorry it's such a tough time right now.  i know the granular details can be tough.  i think you can make it if you get expert help....not to slam or speak unkindly of the help you're getting, but you really need expert care like our ems weekend.  have you done the bootcamp?  have you looked at any of our online stuff?  i would ask him to do something like our ems weekend before making any final decisions....it will take that level of expert care and insight or often times,  it gets so dark you don't know how to get out of the darkness and confusion.  it's normal for the betrayed to feel as though they can't do it......especially after finding out all the info over a long period of time, but they do rebound when they have the right support.  they can definitely come back to the discussion and at the very least, be open to options.  i hope all that helps.

 

Full disclosure after a year

I am very interested to go but unfortunately we're all the way in Malaysia. But i am definitely going to try the bootcamp. Right now my spouse and i have decided to take a trial separation but he has assured me that he does't want to give up just yet. He says he just wants a break from all the fighting, worrying. I respected his decision and I honestly think it would be good for us to clear our heads for the time being. Thank you so much for your help. I've watched most of your videos and they have helped so much.

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