What Spouse's Can and Cannot Do Early on in Recovery from Infidelity

Samuel shares a necessary adjustment to early recovery work for those in crisis.

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Beyond repair?

Samuel, I betrayed my 20 years wife 12 years ago -the affair lasted 3 months- and i kept my affair partner as my main friend for those 12 years. Recently -3 months ago- my wife discover the affair and I'm struggling with her stonewalling and her sense of dispair, she says that i never really loved her because she says that all the arguments we had during those 12 years (ordinary home related arguments) were influenced by my former AP presence in my life. The moment the truth of the affair was revealed i cut absolute ties with my former AP. The affair took place before we had our two boys and altough we've had our fights i've been truly in love with my wife. Do you think we're beyond repair? Thank you for your videos, they have been very helpful to me on this times of turmoil. Edgar, from Mexico City. To heal.

hi edgar

i'm very sorry for the delay as I did not see the comment till now . i don't think you're too far beyond repair, but it will take a process for her to work through the pain and the hurt.  it will be a process for her to regain perspective that you indeed did love her and you did want to be with her, however you had the affair.  it will be cloudy for her for sure and it will be tough for her to believe anything you say for quite some time.  what helps is she getting and or what help is she open to getting?  if she is open to getting help it will be a bit easier and she could take this course for betrayed spouses called harboring   hope: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope   what you're experiencing is absolutely normal, but hard as hell and I get that for sure.  

2 years out from Dday

Samuel, your blog talks about the unfaithful not being healthy enough to show empathy early on. We are 2 years out and my UH is very narcissitic and feels like I should just get over it. I was hoping that he would "Get It" but I still do not feel safe. We did EMSO a year ago and it helped a little bit. But now he is angry that I have not healed and he says he is tired of talking about it.

hi there....

what work have you all done besides the ems online course?  has he done anything else and have you done other work?  there are lots of nuances to this so at two years, it's concerning that he would be 'over it' and tired of talking about it.  but, what other work have you both done?  it's concerning he would respond that way, but i'd like to get more info before sharing too much insight or suggestions with you. 

 

Thank you, he has been going

Thank you, he has been going to a 12 stop, but never completed the first step. He goes to 1 meeting a week and says he talks to his sponsor at the meeting but that's all. He saw 1 CSAT for a year and did formal disclosure, but then failed the poly. He started to see a different CSAT, but recently quit. He gets mad when I ask him to watch your videos. He is a narcissist and has entitlement.

I Hear You

My UH is similar. 3.5 yrs out and I've never even gotten any really apologetic words yet! It always makes my heart wince to hear these "early on" talks, when I handled *myself* so well, even right after discovery, yet am still waiting for true remorse to be demonstrated, or focused action on his part. Have to keep asking myself if it's entrenched patriarchal entitlement, or shame so deep it overrides everything else?? I've gotten the "icy stare into space" and cold, hardened face over trying to share so many of these videos. When that's confronted, it only nets me a hollow "go ahead" or similar flat response. When I ask for feedback or sharing afterward, I get "I don't know" in one form or another. Impenetrable brick walls. The only time he tries any sound methodology, it's only because he wants to "make (me) happy," which is another cop-out and total lack of understanding what's required in this process, no matter how much I've tried to explain it over the last 3 yrs.

that's concerning for sure....

hi Lionheart.  it's a red flag to me that you're 3.5 years out and there hasn't been much apologetic words at all.  that to me is very alarming.  what work have you both done?  has he received any expert care?  i'm happy to make suggetions for you as that really is sad and i'm sorry you've had to endure that.  what are you then doing for your own healing as you really need something to help you my friend?

 

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