Facing Reminders

Samuel discusses some practical suggestions for helping both spouses cope with reminders and triggers while also pointing out what not to do to make things worse while recovering from an affair.

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I'm so heartbroken that even

I'm so heartbroken that even a year later, I still have so many reminders that I have to FACE EVERYDAY. I have no choice to face the pain, I have no choice but to trudge through the painful reminders hour after hour, like a bad movie that has no ending. But he had a choice to invest in our marriage or have an affair, and he chose poorly.

I can relate

I'm with you. We're coming up on 1 year since I caught my wife with my best friend and neighbor. Everyday is a struggle but in the big picture it seems to be getting better. It's just hard knowing that a year has past and feeling like if things haven't improved significantly by now, they never will. I yearn for the day I don't struggle. I'm with you in hoping it improves sooner rather than later. Hang in there.

I am also just over the one

I am also just over the one year mark of the discovery of my husband's affair with my best friend. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning till I go to sleep at night, there are constant reminders. Even in sleep, I have nightmares of them being together or of "her" taunting me. I can't get away from any of it. She lives right across the street from us. She and my husband still work for the same company and have to communicate regularly. My husband and I have been in counseling for nearly a year, and some progress has been made. He has been doing everything he can to prove his love and commitment to me. But it doesn't take away the pain, or the reminders, or the images that haunt me every moment of my life.

Working / Living by AP

If you live in close proximity to the AP move or work with the AP then change jobs. We first left the neighborhood then the town where the AP was. Yes uprooted our family, changed jobs and after 5 years I am so glad we did. Life is better without the reminder living across the street or working with someone everyday. It was not easy by any means but better than the pain of a divorce or constantly worrying about seeing the AP and their family.

Reminders

I feel for the heartbroken-ness that you feel a year later. I am going on 2 yrs., 8 mos. after discovery and the triggers are still there. I am healing, but it is a minute by minute thing when it comes to triggers and reminders. Unfortunately, I am not sure they will ever completely go away. I just hope that they will diminish as each day goes forward. It makes me sad that I didn't have any choice or say in bringing a 3rd party into my thoughts during the day, night and in my dreams. I pray that one day I will be able to be thought free of a person I have never met, but a person who has impacted my thoughts since d-day.

Thank you

Thank you again for sharing! I have waited every week for over two years to read your blogs and Rick's articles. I am never disappointed. I am happy for you and your family that through your failures you have found a way to help others. Thank you.

jan your words are incredibly kind and encouraging

Jan i'm so glad the blogs have helped you. it gives me more courage and affirmation to keep doing them. thank you for reading them and leaving such a nice comment.

you're incredibly kind jan

thank you for the encouragement. i'm happy they are some sort of help and support to you.

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your wisdom. I'm at a point where I recognize how much I want to forgive, but I still struggle and part of my struggle is my unfaithful spouse's reactions to my flooding in response to triggers. Your sound advice will help him and me both.

Great video

This was a great video! Thank you for the light-hearted take and for sharing your perspective. Can I have a copy of the time-out protocol you mentioned? My husband and I are struggling in this area and could use that guidance. Thank you so much!

time out protocol...

sure thing. thanks for the comment and for the kind words. if you'll email the site at info@hope-now.com we'll make sure you get the document.

Truth...an AMAZING Thing!!!

Thank you for this video...it validates so much of what I have felt for way too many YEARS!!!

Thank you

Thank you for this, I am 8 months into discovery, but he still stayed in contact with her up until 3 months ago. My therapist says I should be over it by now, I can't, everyday I get reminders, and many of these reminders relate to how he saw me during his A - the supposed person I was for him to feel this way, the lack of meeting his needs- then something reminds me of these comments and it makes me question what he meant. For instance - he has told me it was the physical contact with her that he was not getting from me, and I saw another couple doing something that I used to always do until he started to cringe when I would do it- so I stopped, all it was, I would rub his shoulders and neck most times, then one night, about 12 months ago, I was rubbing his shoulders after he came home from work, and he quickly got up from his chair and walked away. Little did I know at the time the affair was already taking place, to me this was him rejecting me, I was wrong for not speaking up, but most times when I used to speak up about his reactions to my affection he would argue with me. How do I respond to his way of thinking when I see things differently, and even now his behaviour is very much the way it was before I found out, which leaves me to believe there is either still contact, or he really believes he loves her, and has been hurt by her too (she played a major part in him losing his job 4 months after the affair was discovered- she had lost her job, but was rehired after he was fired) I was by his side everyday helping him to overcome his dismissal from work, helping him to fight his dismissal, only to find out after he told me he didn't want to fight it no more that he was still in contact with her - even knowing she was rehired by the company.
I really don't know whether to keep fighting or give up? So much I have read, conversations I have had, websites, support forums etc, all give me a will to keep trying to work shit out, but that's it, it's me doing all the reading, talking, he comes to counselling every now and then, and only did this after being fired from his job, he says he wants to work on fixing us, but I can't see any changes - he is still behaving much the same way before his affair

kylie....thank you....tough spot for sure

Kylie, thanks for commenting and reading the blog. for now, i have to say it's concerning. for starters your therapist isn't really seeing it for what it is: devastating. and quite honestly you shouldn't be over it by now, especially after the way he seems to be acting. it usually takes a year or so to move beyond the reminders and triggers, AND that's IF you're gaining ground and experiencing true momentum, the likes of what i don't see you saying or seeing. it's sad. he may still be involved. he could just be sitting in indifference, not taking action or doing anything. if i were you, i'd get to the ems weekend if you can and use it as a fleece to see if there is any hope. if he wont' come, then he's probably in it still or dabbling in it or something else and again, if i were you, i'd probably consider separating and taking a huge step back to see what is going on inside of him. this article may help: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling i'd also take this approach with him moving forward: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/is-your-marriage-pleasing-versus-loving it's just too concerning to hear how his actions are sounding right now. having a therapist tell you you should be over it now, its just not fair or true or accurate my friend. this is life altering stuff and takes time and the right kind of help to get through it. what do you think of the weekend? will he come or attend? much of what you have described is normal, BUT normal for a concerning situation...i hope that makes sense to you as i would be concerned about him and his actions and his approach to you. you just don't seem to have covered much ground at all in recovery and are far from any significant momentum it sounds.

Hope with struggles

In 3 days we will be at the 1 year mark from discovery. I still struggle every day and still do not trust my wife. I don't believe she has told me the whole truth or potentially ever will. She unfortunately is in a situation that she still has to work with her AP (on a limited basis) and has to encounter his spouse, who is oddly friendly and wants to be friends (suspicious). The reminders are real and the fact that she has never revealed anything (I have had to search out the info) continues to make me wonder what else is out there. But I have hope even through the reminders, triggers, and half-truths. Because my hope is not in my wife or my marriage. My hope is in Him that restores us all regardless of our shortcomings. I pray, regardless of the situation, that your hope can be in the same One that has given us the greatest reward.

Thanks

I just listened to this. I am the betrayed. I can't focus. It's such a roller coaster. I feel fine one moment and then in minutes I feel like I am literally having a heart attack. Thanks for your blog. It helps me remember that I am normal. It helps me see my spouse as normal too. I often feel so lost on this journey. Thanks for being honest. It helps.

rhaapanen

i'm sorry for the hurt and pain. you're not lost...but your emotional compass is probably all over the map ya know? it's absolutely normal my friend. here are a few must reads for you that may be reminders or first reads but i hope they help nonetheless: 1. https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/reminders 2. https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/intrusive-thoughts-after-the-affair-manage-flooding?utm_source=Article+of+the+Week&utm_campaign=85c90980b8-aotw_10_31_2014&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_ba782628b7-85c90980b8-312884061 3. https://www.affairrecovery.com/qa-what-each-spouses-role-handling-triggers 4. https://www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse i hope those help you. it's a roller coaster indeed, but you'll get through it. i'm so glad you've found the site and the blog helped.

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