Did I Cause My Spouse to Have an Affair?

Samuel tackles a common question of betrayed spouses who are endeavoring to pursue their own healing.

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Unfaithful has responsibility for state of marriage too

I’m a betrayed spouse, almost 4 years out from the last D-Day. I agree that the betrayed may need to take responsibilty for their part in the marriage prior to their spouse’s infidelity. However, I wish you had ALSO mentioned that the unfaithful spouse is responsible for the state of the marriage, Samuel. I believe when I hear you say to the betrayed that they may need to take responsibility for any weaknesses you may be implying that the unfaithful needs to as well. However, when you don’t mention it explicity, I hear that is the onus is on the betrayed and only the betrayed and that is just not true. I’m sure I’m not the only betrayed spouse to think or feel this way.

State of the marriage prior to affair

Yes, that is something that I (as the betrayed) have had to remind my husband about. The state of our marriage (prior to his choice to reach out to other women inappropriately) was the way it was because of his issues to a high degree. In my disconnect with him I confided in and spoke to SAFE people and did not seek relief from other men etc. I felt the same way he did, but I didn’t choose an affair because of it. Did what I did by confiding in friends etc. help improve our marriage? No. But did my actions tear our world apart? No. The state of the marriage prior to choosing infidelity is generally not one sided. In that respect, I don’t feel that a betrayed spouse should feel they are at cause for a spouses detrimental actions.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas