What Do You Do When There Are Multiple Relapses?

Samuel answers a viewers question on what to do when there are multiple relapses.

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Right on the money

As a Betrayed Spouse of MUTIPLE relapses, this is so true when it comes to not being willing to do the work to figure out the whys and the lies they tell themselves about “I’ll never do it again.” He has just put himself in another situation for me to not feel safe and wonders why I’m upset. He did just enough to make me feel a little comfortable with marriage counseling and date nights. Then it abruptly stopped after I questioned him a month ago about texting a woman I was uncomfortable with.

We’re at the one year mark of the most recent DDay. And then this week, he goes to a her house to help her with something. Mind you this is a woman that betrayed my trust when I confided in her last year about that affair and relayed all of that information back to him. Then I became the “butt of their jokes.” They both say it’s an innocent friendship and I’m “crazy” to feel this way. Not to mention, she was cheating on her husband with a different man earlier this year and just recently finalized the divorce. He also lied to me initially about where he was going. I was able to figure out where he was because he never turned off his location.

He’s so far in denial about his unsafe actions. And now I’m kicking myself because I didn’t finish the divorce I started last year when he gave me “false hope” that he got it this time.

So now I will slap a smile on my face and manage my way through Christmas so as not to ruin it for my kids who already knew about the other affairs.

They must CONSISTENTLY put in the work themselves to prevent relapse.

Relapse vs acting out

Saturday was DDay #3. When H confessed DDay #2, 3 more short terms affairs not just the first 2 year affair, I was hoping we could finally get traction on healing. But then he started the secrets, lies, omissions again while emphatically maintaining there were no more affairs. I learned Saturday DDay2 was not total disclosure, there had been multiple one night stands and although he stopped for a while he started up again-Tinder, bar pickups whenever he was on a business trip. He can’t even recall how many, 5-10, and sometimes he tried and was rejected so there could have been many more. My husband’s greatest fear, that I would tell others- he’s still not accepting the consequences of his choices. I haven’t shared with a lot of people previous info. This new stuff only my sister and counselor will know. Our 17 year old twins know of the long term affair and 3 others, I will not tell them of this new info, not to protect my husband but to protect them.

My question, with this history was my husband just checking therapy boxes and still continuing to act out? I don’t see them as relapses because there’s never been a time he stopped. I’m so thankful God put on my heart in March to stop being intimate with him, he can’t even remember how many women he was with this rear. Is there any real hope for a serial cheater, who also is not addressing his mental health (bipolar 2). I filed in April, I feel I need to move on, he says he finally wants to change but it’s been 5 years since first? affair.

we don't know....

hi there.  we just don't know as we're speculating about his heart and where his heart was at and what was going on inside of him.  at the very least, there was a huge disconnect going on between the help he received and his own intention of letting it work and penetrate the dark places of his heart.  so, maybe is the best answer.  i know that's a bit pale, but the fact is we just don't know.  the reality is though, he's not safe right now.  though he wants to finally change, the proof will be in his actions from now moving forward.  we just don't know.  he may say that, but go back to his old behavior and acting out by the time i hit send on this message ya know?  truth is, if he's serious, he will get help no matter what, asap, even in the face of divorce.  divorce may be the best thing for him, as he needs help no matter what.  he has to get help for him first, then remarriage etc later.  if he is not using any meds for the bipolar, we also have a huge concern there.  i've edited your comment only to protect the names of other established centers etc etc.  i hope all this helps and makes sense.  thank you for watching and posting.


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