It seems like it would be a no-brainer, that after disclosure, the unfaithful spouse would display significant empathy and compassion for the betrayed spouse in their pain. While understandable and reasonable, it's simply not always the case. But why is that? After a spouse has been unfaithful, betrayed their partner, and broken their heart, why would they further traumatize the betrayed partner, with blaming, accusation, anger, and indifference? While it may seem counterintuitive, the truth is, this scenario happens far more often than victims of infidelity realize. Today, Samuel shares insight into the mind of the unfaithful partner, and why compassion and empathy are not always immediate in the mind of the unfaithful.
Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened Part 2: Not Getting It Part 3: Hiding in Denial Part 4: Failure to Grieve
Have you ever talked till you're blue in the face trying to get someone to see his or her reality, but to no avail?
Sandy is a strong, attractive 32-year-old mother of two. She and her husband recently reconciled after her husband discovered her involvement in three affairs over the past three years.
She's adamant that...
One of my favorite authors, Richard Rhor, states over and over again in his writings that we can choose to 'transmit our pain... or transform our pain.' I've seen me at my worst, and I can be an expert at transmitting my pain to friends, family, innocent bystanders, umpires, you name it. I've also experienced the rich and lasting feeling when I have been able to see my own inner pain transformed into a vessel to help others heal. When we rage at others, and when we lash out at our significant others or family members, we're transmitting our pain. When we refuse to take ownership of our own inner trauma and project it onto others, we're transmitting our pain. Alternatively, when we can take our pain and learn from it, absorb it, and use it for good in our...
Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened Part 2: Not Getting It Part 3: Denying Your Reality Part 4: Failure to Grieve
A few years ago, I threw my back out. In my wife Stephanie's defense, this was the first time, and both of us were unaware of the seriousness. Stephanie had helped me get into bed, called the doctor, and made a run to the pharmacy to get some...
It's quite easy for couples to address life, marriage, and even recovery after infidelity or addiction with a transactional approach - "let's just fix this and move on.” Yet, this transactional approach to repair work never leads to a transformative experience, typically resulting in a 'go along to get along' mentality. When couples hit this point, restoration is extremely difficult, and true healing remains elusive. A rewarding repair work process must transcend the transactional "you do this, I do this, and we make this work, void of joy and excitement.”
When we remain stuck in a transactional approach to recovery, we typically experience a range of frustrating, debilitating emotions, keeping us in basic survival mode,...
When first starting out on the road to recovery from an affair or sexual addiction, many people want a quick fix - a book, a video, a weekend retreat to cure them, so their lives can get back to normal as soon as possible. However, the best approach to truly heal is to view recovery as a lifelong process. For true transformation to take place, you need to examine the root causes of behaviors and thoughts, and it is vital to assemble a program to help you stay successful and sober. Putting together a process that works for you could include therapy, small groups, 12 step meetings, and ultimately, connecting with others in recovery to encourage and support you in your journey. While many think they can do this on their own, today Mickey stresses that connection and community are absolutely critical when in recovery...
Rick Reynolds, the founder and lead therapist at AffairRecovery.com, oftentimes says we learn far more from failure than we can ever learn in success. It's a principle that can be applied in everyday life, and specifically, in recovery from infidelity or addiction. How we handle failure can determine our next phase of life, and our next phase in maturity. After an affair, the last thing we need to do is cause more pain, to our spouse or to ourselves, and as unfaithfuls, finding new life and new hope for our future is paramount. Today, Samuel shares a poignant and much-needed discussion with unfaithfuls about their future, their moral failure, and, if they are willing to do the recovery work, their potential to heal.
I want to invite all who have been betrayed to our Annual Hope Rising Conferences - on Demand, and gain momentum, strength, and community on your...
Part 1: Social Factors Part 2: Marital Vulnerability Part 3: Individual Vulnerability
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This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew of previous participant testimonials, EMS Weekend...
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Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it!
Are you aware of what made you or your marriage vulnerable to an affair? Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't a bad marriage that caused the infidelity.
As you can imagine, trying to predict infidelity can be a...
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