This week's article explores the question: "After the affair came to light, what didn't you know that you needed to know?"
A hundred wayward spouses could tell you what they wish they'd known, and all of their responses would carry some merit. Today, however, I'd like to turn the lens on myself — an unfaithful spouse — to share six things I wish I'd known as well as what I've observed over my 30-plus years of marriage.
Yes, I perpetrated the infidelity, but the devastation and loss belonged to my...
One of the most frustrating issues when recovering from betrayal trauma is the ongoing emotional flooding that comes from the loss, deception, reminders, and intrusive thoughts. Long after a couple commits to work on the marriage, a fire-breathing trauma-dragon will raise its head and scorch the little progress they make. I call it a dragon because this type of trauma appears as if from nowhere for a ruthless surprise attack. This dragon of trauma is difficult to describe, so it can seem imaginary to those around you who don't know this kind of pain. For you though, it feels so big and so impossible to manage that recovery often seems utterly hopeless.
Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course and start a better, brighter...
"Now I get it," an angry spouse shouted at their mate.
I doubt it, I thought to myself. I was speaking with a couple that, after infidelity, had been working for five months to understand the "why" of the affair.
While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the affair partner, the betrayed spouse concluded, "You obviously never loved me. I never did anything to hurt you."
The wayward spouses rebutted, "Are you serious? You were so controlling. I had no voice in our relationship; everything had to be done your way!"
"Well, at least I was always honest with you ... " the betrayed spouse's words lingered in silence. They were at an impasse again.
I was confident that the truth fell somewhere between their two subjective realities. Unfortunately, the trauma and pain created by the infidelity had...
After almost seventeen years of helping couples and individuals professionally, I have discovered that crises affect us far more than we are aware. The impact of a crisis, whatever it may be, must be dealt with if we ever want to find healing and hope for a better future.
The trauma experienced by a couple upon the revelation of a betrayal is no small matter, and it creates a raw, emotional upheaval that must be dealt with by both parties. Yes, both parties. To be sure, the initial stage of healing after an affair is about grieving. For the betrayed spouse, the pain of the loss is overwhelming. There is the loss of self-confidence, the loss of the life they thought they had, the loss of their dreams, the loss of security, and the loss of their belief in who...
Recovering from an affair isn't just a matter of how badly someone wants to heal, it's also a matter of time and dedicated, intentional work. I can't tell you how many times I get asked, "How long is this going to take?" My answer is always, "It depends." One thing is for sure: Recovering from an affair will take longer than both of you expected, and it's not necessarily based on how much you want to recover.
It has been my experience that it takes most couples two to three years, and that's if they have the help of a qualified professional to guide them. Unfortunately, it can take longer when they do not share the same goal or level of dedication to repair the damage and rebuild their lives. When the focus is just getting over it and moving on, it can take much longer. The emotional wounds of...
Whenever I write or speak about forgiveness, I'm always amazed at the outpouring of heartfelt comments. I grieve over the pain expressed by those who've been injured, and I pray that their mates will come to understand and appreciate the price they've paid on their behalf.
After a betrayal, forgiveness is necessary for your own healing. It's not an easy process, though, and it comes with its own set of challenges. The key challenge when forgiving infidelity is the ongoing consequences of the betrayal.
When a rock is thrown into the still waters of a pond, shock waves travel outward from the point of impact in ever-expanding circles. Infidelity's impact on a relationship is much the same. Unlike how the act of forgiving hurtful words or inconsiderate actions is typically a one-time, there-and-done event, forgiving...
This is not an easy journey and it will be imperfect and awkward but when the Affair Partner is pregnant as a result of infidelity, we have learned some critical lessons about how to navigate this situation with the best interest of the child at the center while still being able to heal and recover. In this blog I will discuss these lessons and what worked for us to help you.
About ten years ago, I had a client who seemed to be "the king of relapse." Week after week he'd faithfully come to his session, and week after week he'd tell me how he had screwed up. About eight weeks into the process, I finally asked, " Do you really believe it's important to avoid these behaviors?" "Absolutely," he replied. "Then I'm confused. I've always believed behaviors are a far better indicator of a person's belief system than words, and looking at your behaviors, I'd have to say that your actions don't match what you say you believe. Looking at your behaviors, it seems you've got to believe there are times when the behavior is acceptable. What do your actions really say about your belief system?" "Well," he said, "it seems my behaviors say that I believe it's okay as long as...
Woven into our basic makeup is the desire and need to “do life together”. By connecting with others - sharing openly, being honest, and not minimizing our struggles, we develop healthy stress coping mechanisms that enable us to get out of our own heads and keep our hearts and minds healthy.
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Today, I want to discuss a crucial step for the betrayed spouse when recovering from infidelity: letting go. And there’s a lot to this. It’s letting go of the past, letting go of your spouse’s recovery, and letting go of your former ideas of the future.
The material for this week’s article comes directly from our Harboring Hope curriculum, which was written by Leslie Hardie, LCSW, and John Mark Haney, Ph.D., LPC. This 13-week course is specifically designed to help the betrayed spouse heal and move...
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