Today, I want to discuss a crucial step for the betrayed spouse when recovering from infidelity: letting go. And there’s a lot to this. It’s letting go of the past, letting go of your spouse’s recovery, and letting go of your former ideas of the future.

The material for this week’s article comes directly from our Harboring Hope curriculum, which was written by Leslie Hardie, LCSW, and John Mark Haney, Ph.D., LPC. This 13-week course is specifically designed to help the betrayed spouse heal and move forward in their own recovery. Some of the things we’ll be covering today include:

• Rewriting the past: The process of wrapping your mind around what happened so you can begin to release its current hold on you.
• Letting go of things now and in the future: This is also extremely important in the healing journey. For starters, attempting to control your spouse’s recovery isn’t going to bring you safety or a sense of ease.

Although it is challenging to release your former marriage, whether you remain married or not, this is necessary if something new is to begin. Unfortunately, what was before can never be regained or reestablished to its original state but, with the right help and process, a new beginning is possible. This process is difficult and painful, but it is also necessary if a healthy, new life is to emerge.

In the letting go, you will have to let go of your past, your present, and your previous ideas of the future. Our hearts and minds do not have switches that allow us to turn them on and off at will. Instead of being tossed back and forth from one day to the next, we must let go and leave our former understandings of the past, present, and future on the roadside. This will enable us to find and travel on the new path.

Therefore, with the information you now have, you must rewrite your past, not to create a ficticious version of the past, but rather to reflect what actually happened. Lewis B. Smedes, author of Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve,* has a great quote about letting go of the past:

"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt,
endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every
time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers
over us while we make love, and broods over us while we die.
Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we
hate die — for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs.
There is only one remedy for it [forgiveness]."

Grieving what you have lost takes time. Working on forgiveness takes time. Chances are you have not completed these tasks; that is perfectly understandable. Letting go of the past will happen slowly and in chunks. Four critical things must occur before you can truly begin to let things go.

1. Rewriting Your History

For the betrayed spouse, we believe that one of the first tasks in letting go of the past is embracing this definition of forgiveness: Giving up the possibility of a better past. Giving up the hope of having a better past is imperative if you are to work through rewriting your past.

You and your spouse had a history together full of memories, moments, and struggles, all of which helped define your marriage. After disclosure, however, you'll find that the past you shared together is not what you thought it was. Therefore, with the information you now have, you must rewrite your past to reflect what actually transpired. This step must be completed, whether or not the wayward spouse is still in the picture.

If your spouse does not desire reconciliation, they may not be willing to share much about their infidelity with you. A wayward spouse who leaves the marriage will usually rewrite your mutual history in a very different way, painting it black and telling you how awful it was. Do not take everything they say as truth.

If your spouse desires reconciliation, the rewriting of your mutual past must be done together. If they are having trouble telling you what you think you need to know, please find a therapist with whom you both feel comfortable. We once had a client who found out seven years later all the things her husband had been doing during his time of infidelity. Keeping the secrets so long was not in anyone's best interest, and they ended up divorcing. Her husband deeply regrets not coming clean sooner.

Remember, the goal of talking about the past is not to punish your spouse, so don’t use it for revenge. Certainly, they must eventually begin to take responsibility for their past actions and the pain they inflicted upon you, but the purpose of having your questions answered is to enable you to begin to rewrite history, with the ultimate goal of having a shared past and no secrets. The past is something you both share, and it is important that you are no longer left out of any part of it. The ultimate goal of talking about the past is to bring you closer with a new acceptance of each other.

At this point, your past might seem completely tainted, but this will not always be the case. Whether your marriage is reconciled or not, the day will come when the past will come back into focus, the good memories mixed with the bad. The past will be excruciatingly painful for a while, however, as you learn to let go of the hurtful things and secrets you discover.

2. Addressing Hurt Over the Past

The pain of your new history will take a while to fade. Do not hide from this pain, however difficult that might be. Whether you are the betrayed spouse or the wayward spouse, you must talk to each other about your thoughts and your feelings. It helps if you are able to talk without destructive anger.

Please remember, as you become upset, not to purposefully inflict pain upon your spouse. Stop yourself before you become destructive in your anger. You may not feel regretful immediately if you don't contain your anger, but one day, your conscience will return and cause you great sorrow over the hurtful things you said or did. Please do not beat yourself up if you have already done and said things you regret. Forgive yourself and start anew.

Anger is a natural and understandable reaction to your pain over this newly discovered history, just try to reign in your response with God's help and by using anger management techniques, such as meditation and controlled breathing. New information will cause new pain. Please remember to pray or wait for twenty-four hours before asking detailed questions about the infidelity.

The urge to want to hurt the other person when you’re in pain is understandable, but it’s not right to act on this urge. If things begin to escalate, please take a time out and return to the conversation once a reasonable amount of time has passed for you both to cool down — we suggest anywhere between thirty minutes and (no more than) twenty-four hours. According to psychologist, researcher, and expert in marital stability, John Gottman, a heart rate that goes over a hundred beats per minute is a good indication that the individual is incapable of having meaningful, constructive communication at that time.

3. Practicing Forgiveness

As you learn to let go of the past, forgiveness is of crucial importance. Regarding forgiveness toward your mate and yourself, several critical aspects must be considered.

In regard to your mate, there are three broad considerations:

1. Forgiving them for the hurts surrounding the betrayal.
2. Forgiving them for the lies surrounding the betrayal.
3. Forgiving them for not being a better spouse apart from issues of the betrayal.

In regard to forgiving yourself, there are three common challenges:

1. Forgiving yourself for marrying them.
2. Forgiving yourself for not being in a "healthier place" when you met them.
3. Forgiving yourself for not realizing what was going on sooner or for looking away.

4. Letting Go of Things in the Present

We want to be clear on what we mean by letting go of your spouse's recovery: We don't mean letting go of any expectations of your spouse. Still, it is important to be reasonable in your expectations, and it may be helpful to think them through with a counselor. It is reasonable to expect your mate to do something to facilitate their own recovery, such as:

• Ending the affair
• Finding a counselor
• Joining a support group
• Getting a mentor or an accountability partner

While these actions might help you feel more secure as you recover, you must let go of trying to control your spouse's recovery. It is one thing for them to report their actions and whereabouts; it is another thing when you begin to try to control their life. At first, it may be difficult for you to discern the difference. After disclosure, the wayward spouse may feel as if you are being controlling by having expectations. You may need to seek out an objective third party as you have these discussions.

It is also challenging for the betrayed spouse to deal with fear that may pop up throughout the day. They might suddenly wonder what their spouse is doing that instant, and they might develop a need to call them obsessively throughout the day — especially if they know their acting out patterns and what time of day or under what circumstance they were usually unfaithful. Checking is okay in the beginning, but the betrayed spouse must begin to let go of it as their spouse's actions show increased evidence of progress and recovery.

Betrayed spouses, we know it is difficult to let go of the need to reassure yourself that you are safe. One of the biggest battles in your own recovery is the battle with fear. Be diligent in regularly exposing and confronting your fear. After disclosure, it is understandable to feel the need to check several things regularly:

• Their cell phone
• Their emails
• Their receipts
• Their bills

You will probably need to do this quite a bit in the first few months. If you are still checking these things as frequently around six months after the last revelation, however, then you'll want to ask yourself whether you have let fear overtake you and are allowing it to have too much power over you.