The Problem With Trying to Control Your Mate During Affair Recovery

Have you ever been so frustrated because you couldn't get your mate to think, feel or act how you wanted them to? Have you ever hit that point in affair recovery where you so desperately wanted to get your loved one to do something, see something, and you just couldn't?

While recovering after an affair, we can become such control freaks when we try to get someone to experience something as we would. In these moments, our frustration can be off the charts.

In unfaithful spouse recovery, it can look like this: Why won't they forgive me? Why can't they see that I'm remorseful? Why can't they see how hard I'm working? How can I get them to see what I so desperately want them to see?

In betrayed spouse recovery, it can look like this: Why can't they do their work? Why can't they be remorseful and empathetic? Why won't they re-engage?

If you've ever done any 12-step work, you're familiar with this first step: Admitting that you're powerless over others and that your life has become unmanageable. In affair recovery, there's a point where you realize you cannot make someone do what you so desperately want them to do. I've experienced that more times than I can count.

We think that our reality is the best reality. We think that how we want things to happen should be the way they happen. We do all we can to get our mate to see things our way. When we try to control other people, we end up being out of control ourselves; we lose touch with ourselves. We become so obsessed with their actions instead of caring for ourselves. We stop focusing on our own healing.

What I want to talk about today is embracing the powerlessness that we all have, specifically when recovering after an affair. Anything that you try and control is gonna backfire, especially when it's a human being. Instead, you've got to focus on yourself and your own healing journey. You've got to work on you.

Whether you're in betrayed spouse recovery or unfaithful spouse recovery, please understand that you can't make your mate want to work on the relationship. You can't make someone do something that they're just not ready to do. My hope for you is that you'll say: "Today is the day I choose to nurture myself."

Early Bird Tickets are NOW AVAILABLE for our 2021 Hope Rising Conference!

There is hope after infidelity and betrayal. If you're the betrayed spouse, we invite you to take the first step in transcending your pain by attending our 2021 Hope Rising Conference on October 2. Our eight incredible speakers have been through the heart-wrenching, devastating experience of infidelity, and they want to inspire you and empower your healing and rebuilding.

"I felt like the speakers were speaking directly to me. Understanding my thoughts, struggles and pain. The Hope Rising Conference met my needs and gave me great direction for healing and perspective." — Previous Hope Rising Conference attendee.

Regardless of whether the unfaithful spouse is supportive, unsupportive or gone, we want you to feel hope again; we want you to feel whole again. Join us at Hope Rising to learn from and grow with others as you navigate this challenging season. Early bird tickets are now available for $68! Don't wait to purchase your tickets; space is limited.

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