Is My Spouse Being Honest? Truth, Lies & Polygraphs
Reaching "ground zero" is the only way to build a new relationship after the old one has crumbled, but how do you know if your spouse is finally telling the whole truth? In Episode 11, <b>Peter F Daniels III (MSEE, LCSW-S, CSAT)</b> joins our experts to navigate the complex world of disclosure and discovery. They explore the clinical role of polygraphs, the trauma of "trickle truth," and coping with intrusive thoughts after learning the details of an affair. Whether you are wrestling with hidden details or unsure how to divulge the truth, this episode provides the tools to help both the betrayed and the unfaithful reach a solid foundation and begin rebuilding something new.
What type of affair was it?
Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp
Please stop using phrase,
Please stop using phrase, wayward spouse. It is inaccurate, harmful, and so, so wrong. These adults are not lost toddlers. Betraying spouse or partner, cheating spouse or partner is accurate and descriptive . Thanks.
Thank you for bringing your
In reply to Please stop using phrase, by Alicita
Thank you for bringing your perspective to us on that phrase. You're not alone in feeling that tension with these labels. We are always attempting to choose terms that both deeply acknowledge and validate the pain betrayed spouses feel but also provide hope (and avoid shame) for those that have been unfaithful. Your feedback with these various phrases is valuable in that constant discernment of how we can best provide hope to both partners.
Incorrect phrases
In reply to Thank you for bringing your by Amber_AR
When you write “thank you for bringing your perspective” this denies the truth that these people WERE cheaters. They may not be cheaters now, but they WERE. They were never wayward or lost toddlers. Talk about minimizing, that’s what you are doing. They were adults who made these decisions. This is not someone’s “perspective.” When Affair Recovery continues to use this language, it is retraumatizing to the person who was cheated on.
Timing of disclosure
My spouse has provided "trickle truths" about her infidelity throughout our entire marriage. The most recent was disclosing an affair she had 5 years ago. She is willing to work on repairing the damage done. We are considering coming on an EMS weekend. My question is, is now the right time to do the EMS weekend? Should I ask that we first go through a disclosure process, such that then we can really set out the rebuilding process at the weekend? I just feel like I won't be 100% committed to the weekend if I have doubts about the truth of the past lingering in my mind. Thank you.
That is difficult, and of
In reply to Timing of disclosure by Unsure
That is difficult, and of course questions around having the information you need would remain. As far as timing for an EMS weekend, I believe setting a call with an intake specialist for the weekend might be the best resource for helping decide. https://calendly.com/hope-now-intake/talk-with-a-survivor?month=2026-02
I know that when my husband and I attended EMSW, the environment and support we received allowed us to share things we didn't even realize needed to be shared. Not just details about my affair, but how we felt about it, our fears, and more. We could "hear" each other.
I have to say, yes, the…
I have to say, yes, the secret DOES contaminate everything. If I'm on the beach with my husband and dog, and thinking how beautiful life is, really in the moment, and his phone is secretly buzzing in his pocket with a notification from one of his dating apps, then that memory is tainted, we were not what I thought. Oh, I'm sure he was PERFECTLY happy with his wonderful wife playing with our beloved dog, the gorgeous setting, and the little frisson of excitement that there is also a new woman pinging him, maybe ready to meet, maybe this one will lead to sex even....meanwhile, I'm just a dupe.
Sorry, without full disclosure, it's all ruined, until he separates the wheat from the chaff for me.
Thank you for highlighting…
In reply to I have to say, yes, the… by Essa
Thank you for highlighting how individual the disclosure process is. Different situations and personalities will require different information and there is no one size fits all. It's important to know ourselves well enough to understand the level of detail we can each handle. Some will want to know everything while others will only want a breakdown of who, what, when, and where. Working with a professional therapist (as Peter suggests) who will be able to talk to each spouse and meet the needs of both is really helpful.
Add new comment