Q&A How Long Can This Process Take and What, If Anything, Should I Be Doing Differently?

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Question: 

We are coming up on two years removed from D-Day 1, which unfortunately is only a year past the end of the affair. Before the affair imploded my unfaithful wife was prepared to divorce me so that she could establish a new life with the AP. They had it all planned out and felt that it would be best for everyone involved, including their spouses and the six young children included in the two families. So the affair was fully entangled involving all of the irrationality and insanity that is common when previously decent, moral, and compassionate people end up involved in an affair. The affair was also long term, being emotional only for about two years followed by emotional and physical for two years. We are still married and we get along ok, but our relationship is more of a living and parenting arrangement than it is a marriage. My wife is not particularly safe for me if I choose to express my pain or my needs, but as long as I’m willing to pretend normal we can coexist and have a pleasant enough friendship, though void of any physical intimacy and very short on emotional intimacy. We’ve been through EMSO and I’ve been through Harboring Hope. She is currently unwilling to do more in terms of healing or recovery work. John always talks about how much longer it takes for unfaithful women to recommit and Rick always says it takes 18-24 months as a general rule. Therefore I have remained patient even though there isn’t much happening in the way of active healing. I know that reconciliation is what I want, but worry that my approach to the situation is counterproductive. How long can this process take and what, if anything, should I be doing differently?

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