Q&A How Do I Help My Mate See That Their Choices Are Preventing Their Goals for Intimacy?

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Question: 

My husband says that he desires a truly intimate marriage, unlike the one we had. I believe our intimacy broke down 6 years ago when he started drinking daily. During his affair he was drinking to an alarming access. I believe that he has a major problem with alcohol, and he does not believe he does. However, he is unable to stop drinking for more than 2 weeks without returning to drinking. He then lies and hides his drinking. I have done everything I can to make him feel safe enough to talk to me about when he chooses to drink. He knows I feel it is the hugest barrier to our moving forward. We are over half-way through EMSO, but his continued drinking and lying about it are keeping him unsafe for me. And he knows this. Our support “team” is advising him to stop drinking for several months to get a clear head, and to show us all that he does not have a problem, but he refuses. These same people are also telling me that if I set a boundary about his drinking, or make an ultimatum about him addressing it so that we CAN move forward, he will choose divorce and drinking over sobriety and a wife who loves him. How do I help him see that his choices are actively preventing what he says about his goals for intimacy? How can I present his choices in a way that doesn’t sound like, “me or the alcohol”?

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