Q&A When do you Know to Stay or Go?

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Question: 

Hi Rick,

When do you know what direction to take by either staying or letting go? Eight years ago my husband said he had an emotional affair. He wants to act like nothing ever happened. He also didn't want to deal with my roller coaster emotions (which now through affair-recovery, I come to understand is normal etc...). During the 1st 6 years after D-Day, we read self-help books until we finally went to couples therapy and a marriage retreat. This opened a can of worms and made things 10x worse. Then 20 months ago, he was frustrated with my flooding and was traveling on business, so he chose to go to a bar and met a random woman. According to him, he vented and she listened. They exchanged numbers and text/called each other that night at 3 a.m. According to him, there was no sexual contact. Eight months later he revealed more. We have been married 19 years, together for 22. I am a problem solver, and he is passive person. He has lied on many levels our entire marriage. I can't trust him. He is very aware of the affair recovery resources and courses he can take, but seems to be content with things being the way they are as long as I appear to be content. He does a lot of appeasing me, saying things I want to hear, but his actions do not match. As long as I do not gripe, things are ok. This goes against my nature, but I have learned I can not control him. I have to let him own his own actions. Also, he is responsible for his own recovery. I struggle with him not working his own recovery program or being truly intimate. When do I move on? I'm already letting go, but I don't know how much longer I should wait. I am feeling extremely hopeless and stupid for thinking he will actually make the changes he needs to. Thank you for any guidance you can give me.

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