Affair Recovery

I grew up in a very broken family. My parents divorced when I was around two years old and I never really knew my biological father. My mother was an alcoholic who drank and smoked her life away. We were very poor, I remember a time when the only thing we had in the cupboard was half of a jar of peanut butter. My mother was married before and I have 3 half-brothers from 2 different fathers. I never had a father figure in my life. None of the fathers stuck around. In the toughest times we boys, were passed around to relatives that could take care of us. After high school, I entered the Army. After my training, I returned home to find my mother had moved. No forwarding address. I was on my own.

Needless to say, my childhood was rough.

But, I’m happy to say I survived. I worked hard, received the right help, and broke free from my past. Nevertheless, there are scars from my many battles.

From my perspective God had let me down....

Recently, a client shared with me this text she received from a friend:

"Saw your post today and had to respond. A woman who decided to choose family over female pride, I admire you. You have more strength than most. It's easy to bail to try to prove strength to others...I didn't want to say before, but it IS for each woman to decide herself which path she chooses to take. Just because you choose to stay, doesn't mean you're weak. As a matter of fact, it takes a stronger woman to stay! Most take the path of least resistance, it takes a mountain of a woman to stay and fight!"

I understand the pain men and women experience who choose to work on their relationships after betrayal. In days gone by it was divorce that branded one with shame, but today, the shame of "staying" trumps the shame of divorce. Was it the same back in 1984 when I blew Stephanie's life up with my infidelity? I think not. For her, back in 1984, buying a book on infidelity was mortifying. Surely the woman at the checkout could see the truth - her husband had cheated and what followed was a long list of other stereotypical...

Samuel shares practical insight into how to handle and resist triggers in recovery.

As I wrote in my previous blog article, “Is He Worth It?” my husband is capable of both enormous deception and immense change. So the other day when he contributed to a trigger I could have sat and fumed about why I put up with his actions. But instead I did something that I’ve been doing for three years post D-day. I acted intentionally. After asking myself for the hundredth time why I put up with him I then answered myself for the hundredth time with my personal recovery mantra:

My husband is worth another chance.

My husband is capable of great change.

I’m stronger than I think, braver than I believe.

My husband is a cheater. He committed what could quite possibly be seen as the most selfish act a husband can do to the woman he promised to cherish forever. How can I not look at him as a cheater? That's what he is. But that's not all he is. If I’m committed to recovery, fully committed, and my husband is too, then I can't let the...