Understanding Triggers and How to Fight Back

Samuel shares practical insight into how to handle and resist triggers in recovery.

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After a year past D-day I still can't handle the triggers. Is there hope?

tons of hope adine.

there is a ton of hope.  a year isn't long enough for the triggers to end and diffuse.  it takes up to two years, depending on the severity of the affair.  you'll need help and support though as it's not going to just go away quietly.  have you looked into the harboring hope course at all?  it's a great place

for your own healing and recovery for sure and will help overcome triggers.

if i can do anything else let me know.  

Betrayed online, can't seem to find help

Dearest Samuel! I love you!! Now don't get me wrong. I don't mean anything inappropriate. It is just that since I found out my husband was betraying me online, your blog is the only thing that has ever helped me to understand some things. Your honesty, openness and humility gives me hope somehow, I don't know why. Thank you for all that you are doing for us who feel betrayed, hopeless, worthless, expendable, replacable, not enough... I love listening to Samantha too, very lovely and strong woman who deserves all respect, but what I really need is to hear the unfaithful's perspective so I can at least try to understand. Because not understanding why this happened in my marriage drives me insane.

To be fair, my husband didn't have an affair. Not a real one. And not with ONE person. What he did was contacting different women online on Facebook, and he was registered to a dating site (using I profile pic that I had taken of him on one of our vacations, this hurts me soooo deeply for some reason). Mostly the women ignored him so it was not even a real online affair going on. But all this he was doing while being a loving, respectful (seemingly) husband to me. He showed me so much love, we were so happy I thought and our sex life was also great. So when I found out it hit me like a bomb and I wondered "who IS this person"??? I left him but since I love him so much and he was so devastated and practically begged me for a new chance, and also groveled in front of my whole family, I took him back. This is 10 months ago and I still feel like crap. My self esteem was never excellent, but now it is practically non existing. He displays a "safe" behaviour in a lot of situations, but I still feel like I am not getting enough empathy or enough soulsearching from him. He has never been able to explain exactly why he did this even if he sometimes try (when I push him). He says we will never be happy if I keep digging in the past and can't see the changed man he is now. In all fairness I have not found anything remotely suspicious about him lately, but I am still living my Life waiting for it to happen again, still beating myself down for not being pretty, funny, sexy or interesting enough to keep my man's attention directed at me and not at young, sexy bimbo characters online. It hurts me so much and angers me so much that THESE kinds of women is what he finds attractive (while I dress modestly in public and he says he loves this, we are both religious people). I carry so much rage and hurt still. He has listened to me countless times, and talked to me countless times, but now he is getting tired and wants me to get over it. In fairness, he has been listening a lot and he has apologised a lot, he has changed a lot. But I am still hurting and I still have such a low opinion of myself and I don't know how to change this. I wish I could take your programs, but this is Another kind of betrayal, isn't it?

Anyways, thnaks so much for your blog, the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. Keep up the good work!

"Lean into the trigger" and

"Lean into the trigger" and "don't take the bait". Got it. That is most excellent advice. Sometimes I have been able to do one or the other sort of organically, and it was very helpful. Now after watching the video, I can be mindful of the techniques and have them ready in my tool kit. by the way, I'm an Unfaithful, and I experience triggers too.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas