But Samuel, What If My Spouse _____?

Samuel answers a question from a viewer on what if my spouse doesn't respond to boundaries.

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You married a really smart

You married a really smart woman, Samuel!

what if my spouse has no remose

What if my spouse has no remorse and values the affair.
The first of April I caught my wife cheating with a coworker (she can't and will not quit so she is still working with him today), she said it was the first time, nothing sexual happened and that he wasn’t really interested. I didn’t believe her nor was it the truth. After a short time of getting nowhere is I told here let’s use this as a warning sign, that I didn’t need to know everything that happened and let’s use it to make out marriage stronger. I tried, she acted, and we keep moving apart. On Halloween I discovered it never stopped. After to months of hell I found your videos and found them insightful and gave me hope that maybe there is a way I could trust, and my marriage could not only survive but grow. She acted receptive but when I said I wanted for us what they have, I needed this to trust again. Here response was “He looks weak.”. We saw a counselor in January ( he has never been part of an affair) and during the session she stated what I already had been feeling, “I’m really so sorry I hurt you but If I had to do it all over again I would, I really enjoyed it and it gave me what I needed” and that “it was just sexual, I always came back home to you because I love you, I didn’t let it get emotional, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t mean this to happen it just did.”.

I feel with out remorse how can I move on with someone who is not in any what sorry for what she did only for the outcome. My heart is gone I feel I don’t know who this person is anymore, I never trusted anyone as much as I did her. I have two beautiful little girls that I can’t comprehend missing half of the childhood. Will she ever see it for what is was or am I just kidding myself? She said I just want her to hurt for what she did. How can I trust her if she feels she did nothing wrong?

sorry jtj...that's painful

i'm sorry my friend.  i think you have to ask yourself are you willing to draw a line in the sand and get help to 'see' if she can one day be safe and empathetic?  she obviously doesn't regret it, so at some level, there's a strong chance she will do it again if the marriage becomes unsatisfying in the future.  she may say no, but the fact is, she already proved her word isn't something that can be trusted.  so i wouldn't gamble.  i would get expert help, something like our ems weekend: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend and then AFTER the weekend, then reevaluate things.  if she refuses to do the weekend or something like it then I wouldn't give her much chance of snapping out of it and not doing it again.  the data is pretty widespread that unless she gets help from an expert, she's most likely to do it again within 3 to 5 years.  it's just fact my friend.  so i would push for her to get help through an infidelity specific medium like our ems and then see AFTER that if it's something you want to pursue.  if she won't do it, you have to ask yourself, can i get over this for the kids and can i still be here in the marriage knowing what i know about her lack of empathy or what have you.  i know it's gut wrenching to discuss and i'm sorry.  here are some further helpful articles to help you get her to maybe cooperate:   https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate  and this one too:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change   here is a series on why NOT to commit to the marriage until after you get expert help as well:   https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-1    https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-2     https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-3

 

how stupid am i?

Up date and well I don't really know. we separated in January under the condition no dating and no sex with others she agreed and she said she needed to get away from the negativity to be able to think about what she wanted. I found a good councilor that I think would be good for us. after a month in our separation I approached her about what she though and if she was willing to try. after she said she didn't know I asked how long was I suppose to wait to just try. Her response was if you would like to date I would be willing to consider it. needless to say the hair stood up on my head. a feu weeks later I found out she was with another coworker who she swore was just a friend and was good to talk to. The counselor didn't say it but I could tell didn't buy it and talked about not having male friend to confide it. mid march she came clean, was talking to him before we ever got to the counselor a couple of weeks before we separated. She really liked him and wanted to see where it would lead. she couldn't take the negativity and needed to be somewhere positive. I filed for divorce. it was over three weeks later. she now want to try again but with conditions, basically she wants to get over it and concentrate on the future. I just can't do it that way it has to be done the right way working through both our problems. I have gotten to the point I feel I can go on alone and am tired of trying to pull her back to me, I don't think I believe it will ever be safe for me to trust her. I have told her to start showing me that you want to change and to do the work, through counseling, reading and watching your blogs, like I've done since this started trying to learn how to heal our marriage, me, and what to look for to see if there is real change and a chance to recover. I am months away from being able to start the divorce proceedings, the question before me is do I let her have the chance to show me change again or give up knowing I did every thing I could, endured humiliation after humiliation to try to keep my family together for my kids. I never wanted to get a divorce and prayed we could work it out, but like my counselor keeps saying to me it takes two dedicated to working together I need to think about I need to do next so I don't allow this to effect me poorly in shaping my future.

Your blogs have helped be me a great deal with understanding both sides of the situation, I have found shortcomings within my shelf as well as what I need to see from her to feel like there was hope from any movement towards a future , and wish I could have had the outcome yours did. I have little hope from this last try of hers, I don't know if she has or will really ever have her aha moment until it much too late.

Thanks for having the resources available.