What Stage Is Your Recovery In?

Samuel shares three poignant stories of his own recovery to represent different stages both spouses go through in recovery.

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He shows no remorse doent want to do any therapy. Always make smartass remarks to me when I tell him how I feel. It's been a year..should I call it quits? I have divorced him after he lied about his affair 4 times. In too the point of enough is enough...what do you think?


anonymous, people typically 'sober up' or get help, or stop acting out at the threat of three things:  1. pain 2. consequence 3. loss.  if there aren't any of those things as of a result of his choices, he probably won't sober up or stop acting out.  if he has experienced those things, and there is no change, or willingness to get help and help you heal along with healing himself, yes, I think i would call it quits.  for him to do what he's doing, he obviously isn't healthy or safe for you to be with and be vulnerable with.  i fear it is too much.  but I also fear he will probably move towards you if you threaten divorce and pull away, just because he doesn't want to lose you.  

here are a couple helpful articles:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate  and this one too: 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change  if he won't get help, something like one of these two programs i would walk away:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend or https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online i would certainly be done.  he can't fix himself and if he won't do work to get healthy, I'm sorry to say there isn't much hope at all. 

Failed recovery

Sadly, after nearly a year since D-Day, I am giving up. My husband expressed all kinds of remorse in the beginning, crying and begging for forgiveness. We've been seeing a counselor for 11 months and are farther apart than ever. I don't seem to have it in me to live with his cheating and lies. I know he has communication issues - always has. He is a conflict avoider, and went as far as another woman to avoid confiding in me. He will show signs of improvement and then go back to his old ways of keeping everything inside. He is a good man, a good father and a good provider. He just can't get outside of his own head. He stopped his affair long before I ever found out about it, hoping it would remain a secret. He claims to have been using her physically as an escape and never cared about her. I don't believe him, and have a hard time believing anything he says anymore. I wish this could be different. We have two adult kids that will be devastated. I think maybe if we had met with a different counselor things would be different. I'm sad, hurt and lost. i think he is too, but I will never be certain what he feels because he is so locked up. I'm also disappointed in myself because I really thought we would work this out. I'm not sure how to cope with all this sadness.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas