How to Survive Dark Moments in Recovery

Samuel shares insight into a dark moment early on in recovery and how to make it through similar dark moments in the recovery process.

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I heard in some of your video

I heard in some of your video blogs that you allow folks to message you for insight. How do I go about doing that? The information that you folks share is tremendous. I have spent hours and hours watching the videos.
Thank you.

hi there.....

you can find me on twitter at @infidelityscars or you can email me at overcominginfidelity2016@gmail.com

 

Thank you Samuel. I am dead

Thank you Samuel. I am dead in the middle of my own dark moment right now. I'm feeling very unappreciated in recovery from my wife's infidelity, and in a very dark place where everything feels hopeless.

Ironsides

I read your post and my heart is breaking for what you're going through. Infidelity makes you feel like a zero even though everyone is telling you it's not about you.
But, it is personal because it happened to YOU.
You are MORE. You have done right in the face of extreme circumstances and excruciating pain that YOU DID NOT DESERVE.
You, my Friend ARE VALUABLE
YOU ARE FEARFULLY & WONDERFULLY MADE.
I don't know what your religious background is but applaud yourself and ask God to help you to see what He Sees.
A Man among Men. You truly are a Stronger person than you know. These dark moments of the soul feel never ending. And they are like a funeral and you're the only person who showed up.
Your wife may not know how to love and appreciate you, but don't take her opinion as Gold because it isn't. You have Worth. You chose to live honorably and THIS WORLD NEEDS MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
Don't let this be the end of you and please find someone to walk besides you as you heal. Practice gratitude each day.
Take Care of Yourself because You Deserve the Best.

very sorry i wasn't notified of your comment

that's painful and normal:  the hopelessness.  what help have you been able to find?  do you have any support for your recovery ironsides?  to feel unappreciated is highly normal, but maybe you could share more about your situation and what help you've received or maybe not received as well. 

talk soon and thanks for posting. 

 

I've got a veritable army of

I've got a veritable army of help in my recovery. I have a therapist that I've been seeing for years, to help me with other issues. Anger management, Anxiety, PTSD from my childhood abuse, and several close brushes with death as a kid. I have an EMDR therapist that is guiding me through the trauma of my wife's infidelity. We have a couples counselor and she's done H4H and I have done HH and we are in EMSO together.

Our story is pretty convoluted, and I don't wish to go into detail on your blog, but you can find it in the forums. In a nutshell it involves me making a failed attempt to turn her cheating into an open relationship (talk about denial on my part!) and 7 months of trickle truth and deception after the affair ended. Her last acting out was in December, and the most recent, and hopefully final disclosure was on March 18 of this year. She also had another affair 17 years ago.

Letting go of control has been the single hardest thing for me. Because in doing so, I have to recognize that there is literally nothing I can do to keep her from cheating again. I am absolutely powerless to make our marriage whole and faithful unless she makes the decisions to do so on her own part. That means that she could potentially do things that cause me to have to say enough is enough, and I don't want that. So I try to control. One of my therapists says that is very common in Adult Children of Alcoholics. I'm seeing a lot of those traits in me now that I am learning about that phenomenon.

I really need to see my wife sharing on the forums, or with our EMSO group. She is very private about her recovery. She shares with her H4H group I think, but I don't know because I don't read her things. She says she is doing everything she can do. And she is working and I can see it. I just don't understand her lack of desire to share and seek help from the community, and honestly it scares me. If she does that, then I can see whats going on, and be reassured. But her saying "Im working on everything I can do, and going to therapy, and doing my class" doesn't really make me feel any safer. She promised me during her months of relapse that she was all in with us. And again when she was somewhat ambivalent that she was all in when in reality she wasn't.

We argued the other day and she said in a negative way to me "you think its all about you. That everything in recovery is all about you" - I don't understand how her deciding to help me and our marriage but only doing so on her own terms is going to help. It makes me feel like she still doesn't truly get it. I believe that she has too much pride to ever let herself hit the bottom. She'll hang on until the bitter end, never allowing herself to give in. I think her heart is generally in the right place, and I really do believe that she wants our marriage to succeed and to be great. I just wonder how she can truly make the real changes needed without ever hitting the bottom, and constantly hanging on to her pride and control of life.

I get in these bad places, then go to her and apologize for my own behavior. Another ACoA trait - feeling guilty when standing up for yourself and not giving in to others.

What type of affair was it?

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