After the disclosure of infidelity or addiction, our futures feel incredibly uncertain. If there is one universal, common emotion or feeling after disclosure, it’s probably raw terror. Both partners experience it, but how do you work through it? How do you process it? Today, Samuel shares his own traumatic event that was filled with not only uncertainty and confusion, but raw panic and terror. In the halls of ‘healing from infidelity’ the word trauma has become somewhat of a buzzword. Trauma isn’t necessarily what happens to us, but what happens inside of us in response to a traumatic event, and I think we can all agree that infidelity or addiction of any sort is a traumatic event. Today you will hear practical and courageous insight from Samuel that you can also utilize in your own recovery timeline. The terror we’ve experienced in our own...
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In August of 2015, I was invited to Gateway Church for a reunion with past participants of the EMS program. To my delight, a married couple was leading worship together. My heart was deeply touched by their music.
Afterwards, I went up to introduce myself to those gifted musicians. After expressing my gratitude to Rodney and Angela, they shared their dream of using music to help others who are in recovery from infidelity. Five years later, I was thrilled when we were able to hire Rodney to join us at Affair Recovery. Since then, my heart's desire...
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You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety.
~ Abraham Maslow
I don't know if I have said this yet, but when I talk to you about hope and recovery, I am also talking to myself. I am still on this journey too and I get discouraged, frustrated, angry, and sad, so I am also encouraging myself as I focus my thoughts in these blogs. I hope you don't mind me tagging along for the ride.
I was thinking the other day about all of this, and stopped for just a moment to take a look in the rear view mirror of recovery. Looking into the past is easy. I do that every single day and you...
When a spouse or partner has an affair, their next response is essential. Are they willing to do repair work? Are they willing to own what they need to own? Are they open to getting outside, expert help in an effort to see what they cannot see? It can be like walking a tightrope for either partner who is wanting to save the relationship, but isn't sure where the lines should be drawn to protect themselves, but also humble themselves and win back their partner. Unfaithful spouses can feel as though they are locked into a prison of punitive servitude for the remainder of the relationship. Betrayed spouses can feel like they will never measure up to the affair partner, and can feel a sense of anger, bitterness, and hurt for the remainder of the relationship. My friends, I am here to tell you that there is a better way. We can heal our...
"Did they make those horrible choices because their addiction or mental illness clouded their judgment?" "Was I too busy trying to help and support them to notice they'd stepped out of our marriage?" "Was their emotional detachment due to childhood abandonment issues or are they just unhappy in this relationship?"
Does any of this sound familiar to you? When the wayward spouse has diagnosed or suspected mental health/addiction issues, the betrayed partner can find themselves feeling as though they are the one losing their mind. Even in the absence of infidelity, marriage to a spouse with mental health and/or addiction challenges can strain even the strongest of unions.
Those of us who are highly invested in happily ever after, either in the Disney cultural sense or in the hard-working,...
Infidelity is life-changing, life-altering trauma for ourselves, our partners, and even our kids. We can feel “left for dead” immediately following disclosure, and it would seem almost no one truly knows how to support those of us in crisis due to infidelity or addiction. What’s vital is that we are there for ourselves. While it may seem like a hollow suggestion or a cheesy Hallmark card, it is key that we are able to understand the principle of caring for ourselves, despite the temptation to wallow in self-pity for days. Without an approach of personal healing and restoration, we struggle to see which way is up, and darkness appears to be our only comforting friend. The truth is, we can heal and we can rescue ourselves from the pit of despair and hopelessness. This chapter isn’t the best, or the rest of our lives, but we have the power to...
While not everyone who has an affair or acts out is a sex addict, there ARE moments we as unfaithful partners attempt to stay in denial to help mitigate our own shame and feelings of discomfort. If we’re not in denial about what we’ve done, maybe we’re in denial about the impact of our choices upon our significant other, or family as a whole? One thing you can count on today: what never brings healing is hiding from the impact of our choices on everyone around us. In fact, a critical piece of the puzzle to healing and personal restoration is admitting our wrongdoing and owning our choices. Mickey’s compelling story of not only moral and marital failure, but also a child from the affair partner, will encourage and uplift you with insight and support for how one can find healing, self-forgiveness and peace of mind, even after horrific personal...
Trying to win back a betrayed partner's heart after shattering them with your infidelity is not an easy task. It's a challenge, but a worthwhile pursuit. While some betrayeds are not willing to allow their hearts to be pursued or won back after infidelity, many are willing and even aching for that reconnection. The struggle is how to do so, when the betrayed barely understands their own pain, trauma and confusing reactions. The unfaithful can misread their cues and find themselves growing more and more frustrated by the hour. There is a better way to heal, a better way to pursue your betrayed partner, without feeling like the proverbial door is being slammed in your face as an unfaithful, time and time again. Today Samuel provides a no-nonsense, straightforward video on how to minimize mistakes, and actually cut through the fog and reach the...
Ambivalence - am·biv·a·lence /amˈbivələns/ (noun).
The state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone, simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (such as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action, continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite), or uncertainty as to which approach to follow.
The word ambivalence is often misused to mean apathy or indifference, when in fact, it actually means strong feelings in opposition to each other, not the absence of feelings.
After betrayal, it is normal and expected to have all kinds of feelings. Most of them are pretty terrible as you would expect, but there are surprising feelings of love, connection, desire, bonding, and things along those lines that really can catch us off guard. It does not mean you are crazy, weak,...
When a relationship has been devastated by infidelity or addiction, we need answers. We want help, we want solace, and we want our broken hearts to heal. But, not everyone is as eager as we think they should be to seek healing. But why? Is it because of a past wound from a professional? Is it because the unfaithful has new information to share that they refuse to give up? Whatever the reason, refusing to get help after you've cheated or your spouse has cheated causes even more suspicion and confusion in the aftermath of discovery. Samuel often says, "the right people will give you the right process and bring about the right outcome." Today he'll discuss further why some unfaithful and betrayed partners refuse to get help, and how to proceed ahead anyway. While one partner may refuse to get help, it doesn't mean the other party can't take...
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