How to Make Your Betrayed Spouse Feel Chosen Again

When the truth about my husband's affair blew our lives completely apart, I told him straight to his face: “This house has five exit doors. Take your pick.”

I wanted him gone. I wanted the kids, the house, and half his paycheck for the rest of his life. I was done.

But today, we’re not just limping along, barely surviving. We’ve completely rebuilt our marriage.

Betrayed spouses wonder if staying is even possible and many unfaithful spouses are desperate to stop divorce papers from being signed. Before recovery, I was begging for truth while my husband gave me watered-down versions of his affair. So, when he said he wanted to fix it, his words meant nothing to me. If infidelity communicates one thing to a betrayed spouse, it is the devastating realization that they are of ZERO importance.

I spent nine of my working years at one of the top luxury resorts in the world, where we operated under two core service principles. Early in recovery, I realized these two principles were exactly what I needed from my husband. And when he started living them, I saw glimmers of hope for our future.

A VIP Experience for Nothing but a Fantasy

One of the most heartbreaking revelations for a betrayed spouse is discovering how much effort went into consuming every detail about the affair partner (AP). Their favorite food, music, flowers, hopes, fears, daily schedule, all studied and cared for like a VIP, while the betrayed spouse is left invisible.

I remember being at a farmer’s market one Sunday with my husband and our daughters. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him taking a picture of a bouquet of flowers. I asked what he planned to do with the picture. He snapped at me, making me feel stupid for asking. I would later discover he had reminders on his calendar for dates that mattered to her. Her birthday was celebrated at the nicest table with the best view. He was rolling out a VIP experience for a fantasy life, while leaving me standing alone in the wreckage of our reality. One of the most heartbreaking revelations for a betrayed spouse is discovering how much effort went into consuming every detail about the affair partner.

Meanwhile, he never told her when we bought a new home or went on trips, because he didn’t want her knowing he was still investing in his family. A double life, indeed. Am I telling you this to make my husband sound like a monster? Nope. I’m showing you the sheer insanity of a limerent affair.

Maybe your grenade went off due to pornography, massage parlors, or an emotional affair. Whichever one, it leaves the betrayed spouse feeling of zero importance. By the time my husband’s affair came out, he hated himself more than I did. So, what did my husband do that made me change my mind and NOT file for divorce?

#1: MMFI – Make Me Feel Important

The first core principle from my days working in luxury resorts: “Make Me Feel Important”. It all starts with radical accountability. A clear sign of the betrayed spouse’s importance is the unfaithful spouse respecting them enough to tell them the truth. Begging my husband for the truth was the most demeaning experience of my life, and I did it for years. He tried to sell me a minimized, totally BS version of the story. I remember turning my head and saying, “Exactly how stupid do you think I am? I’m not buying any of this.”

He had to respect me enough to show up for the hard conversations. When he said things like, “Here we go again,” I shut down. When he chose patience, I was meeting with a totally different husband, one who made me feel, for the first time in a long time, IMPORTANT.

If a server at a restaurant had the same name as his old AP, or a woman in a store looked like her, he didn’t get defensive. He would say, “I’m right here.” He’d pull me in and we’d talk about it for a few minutes.

Remember the five exit doors? Instead of packing a bag, he was able to look at me and say, “I don’t want to be anywhere else than right here with you.” I still wasn’t believing a word out of his mouth. But as much as I hated him, over time I started to feel glimmers of loving this new version of him.

He stopped saying “I will never do it again,” because that statement sounds good from far, but it’s actually far from good! Believe that and you’ll fail to put proper boundaries into place. A safe formerly unfaithful spouse sounds more like this: “I know what I’m capable of because my track record speaks for itself. That is why I’m putting the following boundaries into place.”

Do you know what’s really sexy AND communicates importance at the same time? Effort. In one Affair Recovery study, 84% of betrayed spouses said the #1 thing their unfaithful spouse could do to restore honor was work a solid recovery program.

That is exactly why we created the EMS Weekend at Affair Recovery. You can see the upcoming dates here. But recovery doesn’t only happen at a retreat. It also has to translate into everyday actions. My husband became considerate of me. Imagine that! Do you think he sets our beach chairs next to women laying out in thong bikinis? Nope.

And this one is a bit embarrassing. Pre-recovery Candace was so worn down that I let my husband convince me he was too busy to bother at work. I’d say goodbye when he left for a trip and would not speak to him again until he walked back in the door. Mission accomplished on his part. Fast forward to today. If I call, he answers. If I text, he responds. He treats whatever I have to say like it’s the most important part of his day, not a disruption to it.

#2: Show Me You Know Me

The second core principle: “Show Me You Know Me”. Unfaithful spouses, start with empathy. Through counseling, a course, and/or some hardcore reflection, dig into how your actions have impacted your spouse. Can you put it into your own words and repeat it back, so they know you really get it?

Then work to rediscover your spouse. What are their hobbies? What lights them up? Early in recovery, my husband received excellent advice: Love the things your spouse loves. Not to fake interest, but to show you genuinely care. A couple years ago, we were staying in a hotel in London. I mentioned how much I loved the scent of the hotel’s bodywash. Guess what was in my Christmas stocking two months later? He didn’t just hear me, he noted it, remembered it, and acted upon it. That's what “show me you know me” looks like.

Love the Things Your Spouse Loves.

That level of intentionality also meant surviving conversations that nearly broke us. Shortly after D-Day, one of my 827 questions was answered with, “She said she didn’t have anyone to take care of her. I wanted to be the man to do that.”

I said, “Wow, she has a husband already. Well played on her part.”

Then I asked, “Just out of curiosity, who do you think takes care of me?”

He said, “I don’t know. I’ve never given that any thought.”

I was irrelevant and expendable. Ouch. When you realize the person who vowed to love and protect you co-conspired to destroy your life, something shifts. Something snaps.

I decided right then and there, I only want people in my life who will fight for me in rooms that I'm not in. My husband eventually became that person. Be that person for your husband or wife.

What You Can Change

You cannot change who you've been, but you have full control over who you choose to be going forward. Choose accountability over excuses, presence over avoidance, and proactive care over passivity.

It’s been almost 6 years since I pointed to those exit doors and asked my husband to take his pick. But he stayed. He stayed to fight for me, day after day, through the hard-as-hell conversations, until I felt safe again. He proved that I was NOT expendable after all.

Unfaithful spouses, if you’re sitting in the aftermath of your choices, hear me out. It’s time to show up for yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. Show your betrayed spouse they are safe, seen, and heard.

To healing.