Was It Really Love? The Truth About My Spouse's Affair

They said things to that other person they never said to you. They did things with that other person they never did with you. And somehow, your spouse called it love. Now those texts, those voicemails, those images live rent-free inside your head.

I need to tell you something that took me almost two years to fully believe: What your spouse had with the affair partner (AP) wasn't love. It wasn't even close.

It has a name. It is brain chemistry. Once you see it for what it actually is, you can stop competing with a ghost.

Five years ago, I was holding in my hands the evidence of what my husband had done. My husband had been telling me for months, “I never loved her. I love YOU.” And now I was holding proof on my third D-Day (Discovery Day) that he was still lying.

I got up the courage to ask him: “If you were in love with her, why didn't you just leave?”

His reply was not only unexpected; it was infuriating: “I never wanted a life with anyone else but you.”

“Well, you sure as hell had one!” I yelled.

How could I possibly even consider staying in the marriage now? This was a bridge too far. I knew too much, and there was no chance of “us” coming back from this.

I remember my therapist saying, “Candace, you have more than enough here to justify leaving, but you wouldn’t believe the turnaround stories we see. People can change.”

This June marks 5 years since we had that ugly conversation, and now I’m the one saying on intake calls … “but you wouldn’t believe the turn around stories we see. Change is more than just possible.”

The stories people share with me sound a lot like ours. A betrayed husband will say, “It was like she was a completely different person for him. My wife did things with her AP that she’s never done with me.” Or a betrayed wife will say, “I read all their texts. My husband said the most romantic things to her.” And then inevitably, “I’ll never get that out of my head. I will never get over this.”

Maybe your mate did things, said things, or seemed to open up emotionally or sexually in ways they never opened up with you. Maybe you read the emails or texts. Or maybe what you read or heard has led you to believe they had a special connection that you never had – and fear you never will.

I read things and heard things I thought I could never unhear. And while I can’t change what I saw or what I heard, the story I tell myself about what they “had” has changed drastically.

It Is Not a Fairytale

When an unfaithful spouse talks about being in love with their AP, they can make it sound like a fairy tale. They almost glow, but there are serious cracks in that facade, proving it is not love, and there is nothing loving in what they have done.

Some call it obsession, infatuation, crystalization, or, God forbid, “soul mates.” The clinical term is called “limerance,” which is usually served with a side order of “addiction.”

It is a self-possessed, delusional state in which reality and integrity are completely obscured by the physically, mentally, and emotionally altering experience of fantasy.

It’s normal to think that the AP must be what our spouse really wants, but our experts say that the person you’re comparing yourself to isn’t even a real person. There's a fantasy built around them. They are unknowingly playing a role your unfaithful spouse has written and cast for them in order to escape the realities of life and avoid genuine intimacy.

I love Tracey Brock’s definition from episode 7 of the Affair Recovery Podcast: “Limerence is when part of your brain goes into this place where you can only see the positive in your affair partner. You get incredible endorphin release, and none of the negatives matter. In fact, the unfaithful spouse can’t even see them. It’s almost like they’re making a fantasy in your brain and projecting it onto the affair partner. Therefore, they can do no wrong.”

I’ll add that in the meantime, the betrayed spouse can do no right. They get labeled as the problem, and the affair partner appears to be the solution.

The Fantasy They’re Living in

Think of it this way: over time, due to life’s ups and downs, our own negligence, and perhaps developmental issues, marriage may feel like a make-up mirror. Have you ever braved looking at yourself in one? They provide a brutally honest reflection – every glaring imperfection, tenfold.

Affair partners on the other hand, are new, shiny, and devoid of any adult responsibility. They function as a vanity mirror, softly lit and highly filtered. An air brushed, photo-shopped character that fills the unfaithful spouse with whatever they felt they were lacking in themselves. Unlike the makeup mirror of marriage, each glance into the affair vanity mirror is an ego boost without a single trace of baggage.

For the unfaithful spouse, this floating-ten-feet-off-the-ground alter ego can feel very real. They are oblivious to how blind they’ve become. Hear me when I say that they are still 100 percent responsible for all they do…but they are no longer dealing in reality.

Early on, I mistakenly believed my husband and his AP were the ones living their best lives. I couldn’t have been more wrong. This is the moment everything snapped into focus for me.

The Proof Is in the Details

My husband told me he never told his AP when we sold our house and purchased a nicer one during their affair. He also hid from her that we’d remodeled our back yard and put in a pool. When I asked why he didn’t tell her about such big events that were happening in his life, he said with a great deal of shame, “I didn’t want her to know I was investing in my family.”

He also said he never told her about trips that were just the two of us or the fact that our daughters weren’t living at home. He didn't want the AP to be jealous or angry he was spending time with me.

Without even realizing it, he was giving me examples of how fake their relationship really was.

Even if your mate claims it was love, I guarantee you the AP was on the outside as well. I thought the joke was on me. Surprise…it was on both of them!

The unfaithful don’t just betray their spouses. They also manipulate the affair partner, sharing or omitting whatever information makes them look best. They may have discussed dreams of the future, but more often than not, they never talk about how to make it happen. That’s because the reality of details is no fun. Spinning the fantasy is where it’s at.

How to Move Forward

If you intend to pursue healing from a limerent or love addicted affair, there are a few absolutes.

• The wayward spouse must go no contact with the AP. This means no communication of any kind, no tapering off, and no seeking information about the affair partner from others. This also includes no “accidental” run-ins. This is the only way to “detox” and return to clear and rational thinking. Even if there’s just a one percent chance you’re open to rebuilding the marriage, there is no space for the affair partner in that new construction.
• The betrayed spouse must put the AP where they belong, a land far, far, away. They’ve already taken enough from you, after all! Focus on your own healing and recovery. Don’t waste precious time, energy, and sanity on them.
• Even if a clean break has been made, many wayward spouses will go through withdrawal, grief, loss, and maybe even an air of ambivalence about life. They will need help, and both partners need to be open to this. It can be excruciating for both parties, but it is a necessary step toward healing.

What Worked for Us

I know how sobering this is, and how difficult it all sounds. I want to leave you with one of the key things that helped my husband and me work through the gut-wrenching pain of a limerent affair.

My husband put on his patience pants. He didn’t rush me to just get over it because that’s not how this works. He literally sat with me in it, day after day, week after week, season over season. He answered my questions, was empathetic, and took responsibility for the pain he caused. This was evidence that his blinders were off and the affair fog was clearing.

Was his response perfect every single time? No, of course not. I needed to put my patience pants on too and remember that we’re both striving for progress, not perfection.

My husband was also open and accountable for his past, showed genuine remorse for what his choices cost the both of us, and didn’t wallow in shame. He did it, but he didn’t do it alone.
He got help.
I got help.
We got help.

The past cannot be erased, but the future is yours to create.

To healing.