“You don’t need trust.”, I read.

“The hell I don’t!?!”, I scoffed out of disbelief for what I was reading.

I was sitting in the lobby of a polygrapher’s office, waiting for my husband to come out with his “report card” in hand. That’s when I saw the article about trust.

As a betrayed spouse, I know how it feels to have your entire life feel like a cruel joke. Trust? What trust? I get it. I struggle even today to find strong enough words to depict the distrust and pure animosity I felt toward my husband, my marriage, and my life after D-Day (Discovery Day).

Today, we give a toast to our marriage every weekend—something I would have rolled my eyes at in total disbelief five years ago. So, what happened that moved us from despair—teetering on divorce—to building the marriage we have today? I watched my husband’s actions, not his words. I saw genuine long-term change, consistent choices, and changed behaviors over time. That sounds nice in theory, but what does that look like? How do you get there? I’m going to lay out those consistent actions for you.

Let’s circle back to that line I read in the polygrapher’s office. It was in a free e-book from Affair Recovery called The Shocking Truth About Trust. Ready to be shocked? Trust really is not the most important component for a secure marriage; safety is most important. Creating a safe environment with transparency and honest communication is crucial. In recovery, trust is the final product, and its building blocks are safety. In the early days, trust can be replaced by honesty when safety is present.

Safety includes both physical safety and emotional safety. For the betrayed spouse, safety means being able to heal without needing to control the unfaithful spouse or fearing the next surprise. The unfaithful spouse must identify their weaknesses, take steps to prevent repeating offenses, and tell the truth without minimization or defensiveness. In early recovery, honesty and transparency can serve as substitutes for trust. Honesty can be immediate, while rebuilding trust will take time.

I didn’t know this at the time either, but you don’t need trust to move forward in recovery! What you need first is honesty and transparency—and that leads to safety. That’s because trust isn’t instant. It takes time for the unfaithful to take responsibility for their actions and work at stopping hurtful behaviors.

Before I share my list of how-to’s with unfaithful spouses, consider the acronym DDSS:

Don’t Do Shady Stuff!

Simply put, don’t do unexplained things. Your mate needs to be invited into all things.
This do-not-do list addresses subtle ways the wayward partner chips away at safety:

• Don’t make unexplained changes to your routine. If you usually do laundry on Saturdays but switch to Wednesday, say so in advance. Instead of triggering suspicion about why you suddenly need to wash your clothes, you communicate consideration.


• Don’t walk away to take a phone call or use your computer alone for non-work purposes. Secretive or protective behavior with devices triggers suspicion.


• Don’t alter your route when traveling without talking about it first, whether driving, walking, or biking.


• Don’t be vague about your plans or have unaccounted time. Lay out your schedule clearly and update your spouse about any changes.


• Don’t make sudden changes to your appearance without conversation. If you want to wear makeup again or update your wardrobe, communicate openly. It’s not about removing spontaneity; it’s about communicating in advance to stay ahead of suspicion. When my husband wanted to purchases monogrammed suits and a new sports car, I literally said to him, “Wow, the only thing missing here is you having an affair!” Yep, I said that!

Creating Safety Creates
Freedom and Wholeness

Now for the Do’s—proactive ways for the unfaithful partner to build safety and trust:

• Safety at home starts with maintaining a shared calendar. Keep it up to date and account for your whereabouts, even if you’re just on the porch. Most importantly, be where you say you’re going to be and do what you say you’ll do. If plans change, tell your spouse before—not after.


• If you aren’t doing anything wrong, there’s no reason to worry. Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching. Hide nothing, and you’ll have no secrets. This includes offering access to electronics and accounts, with one exception—passwords for recovery groups.


• Discuss social media. Is it public or private? Are you following anyone who makes your spouse uneasy? Agree on boundaries and share the steps you’ve taken.


• For those dealing with addiction, make a plan for sobriety and stick to it. My husband having safe men to process with helped him show up for me in ways I didn’t realize at the time.


• Have a conversation about who is safe to speak with regarding the infidelity. Decide together who should hear sensitive details, and stick to it.


• Use location-sharing apps like LIFE360 for transparency. Our whole family is on it; it’s about shared transparency, not tracking or distrust.


• Use credit cards for all purchases. We are now a cashless household, using credit cards for everything, which makes transparency easy. Withdrawals trigger instant alerts. This removes opportunity for secrets or compulsive behavior. Remove opportunity now, then change the beliefs behind the old behaviors.


• Show respect in ways where there once was none. My husband’s recovery included simple changes: his phone isn’t glued to his hand, and he’s transparent with his usage of it. He answers calls and texts promptly and treats my words as important. This creates safety and unity.


• Be available for hard conversations. Be sensitive to your spouse’s triggers, even if you don’t understand them or think they shouldn’t still be there. Support them through pain and desperation. Do more than show up—initiate these conversations. Talk about recovery, anniversaries, hard memories. Share proactively.


• Discuss intimacy. If you’re unsure, talk about it honestly. Honor your feelings and your partner’s feelings.


• In the community, reconsider places and friend groups that are triggering or connected to the affair. If the affair partner (AP) or affair colluders are in your usual circles, find new ones. Surround yourself with the type of people whose lifestyle matches where you want to go starting now. Make concessions to establish safety, at least in the short term. As you recover, you may find new social routines or boundaries that strengthen the relationship.


• Set guidelines for time with friends. Invite your spouse to join social outings. The invitation is goodwill and a changed mindset.


• Unfaithful spouses, if you’re acting out happened (or started) at work, it may be necessary to change jobs for true safety. Otherwise, set clear boundaries with colleagues. Avoid one-on-ones with the opposite sex, unless unavoidable, and always inform your spouse when this will happen. In public spaces, keep conversations professional and refrain from personal topics. Avoid socializing with coworkers without spouses present. Be very cautious with dinners, drinks, and hotel bars at business events.


• Business travel should include location sharing, check-ins, and the sharing of plans and agendas. Facetime from your room, introduce people virtually, and never rush through calls with your spouse. Include your spouse in the trip—watch shows together, send pictures, and remain in close contact. If you are traveling during a recovery meeting, make it a priority to join it remotely, and check in with accountability partners from the road too.

Be Proactive

Where you go doesn’t change things unless you live differently. The person, not the location, must be different. Even if the infidelity was long ago, years of apparent faithfulness don’t completely erase the past hurt. You must still build safety and trust from scratch.

Are you willing to rebuild your marriage? Are you ready to go above and beyond? Be honest and create safety for yourself and your spouse. This is not about being a doormat. It’s about building trust and partnership for the long haul.

Both partners, I’m talking to you now. Ask yourself if you trust yourself. Self-awareness inspires safety, not just confidence. Are you making changes for yourself or just to keep the marriage? If it’s only for the relationship, your motivation may fade during tough times.

Are you waiting for trust to return? If someone watched you for a week, would they believe you are committed? While it may take two or three years for trust to return, you can start living a transparent, honest life right now. Invite your spouse into these conversations. You can do this.

If you have suggestions for safety and trust, please share. We’d love to hear from you!