10 Critical Recovery Mistakes to Avoid After an Affair

Most couples don't fail to heal from infidelity because they don't love each other; they fail because of 10 common mistakes that stall the recovery process and can even end it altogether.

We often make things worse because we’re operating out of shock and pain. I get it. I’ve been there, too. Whether you strayed or you were betrayed, today I’m giving you the manual we were never handed on our wedding day.

Don't Skip the Other List
You might be tempted to only read “your” list. That is a mistake in and of itself. If you’re the unfaithful spouse, you need to understand the betrayed partner's pitfalls so you can stop unintentionally triggering them! If you’re the betrayed, you need to hear the unfaithful’s list so you can understand why your partner is stonewalling.

Top 5 Mistakes: Unfaithful Partner

Unfaithful Partner Mistake #1
Not being honest.

This is the “death by a thousand cuts.” Leaking information over time delays the restoration of trust and destroys your mate's ability to believe you. This is “trickle truth” and it’s significantly harmful to recovery. This includes flat out lying, but it’s also swearing up and down that your mate knows “everything,” only for them to hear later, “But wait, there’s more.” Both scenarios create a succession of D-Days. Not being honest sits at the very top of my list of how an unfaithful spouse can make things worse!

Whether it’s been two weeks, two months, or twenty-two years, if your betrayed spouse still does not know the truth about the extent of your affair or addiction, then you are still actively being unfaithful.

Unfaithful Partner Mistake #2
Failing to engage by avoiding, stonewalling,
or refusing to answer the questions.

If you are avoiding your mate's feelings and unwilling to make room for their pain, you’re blowing it. Bring up the affair, the recovery process, or difficult memories without waiting for your spouse to do it first.

Have discussions about upcoming D-Days, wedding anniversaries, or other highly emotional milestones. Acknowledge triggers - don’t just hold your breath and wait to see what happens. Join your mate in the hard places and sit with them in the pain.

I get that what you’ve done may be extremely difficult to relive but ANSWER THEIR QUESTIONS. There are reasons for the repetition, and you, the unfaithful spouse, do not get to decide how many times is too many.

Unfaithful Partner Mistake #3
Not supporting your mate's recovery.

This includes things like rushing them through recovery, failing to encourage them to seek help, getting defensive, or placing blame on them for their recovery struggles.

Resist the temptation to say, "Can’t you just get over it?" Like the old game, Chutes and Ladders, you can take two steps forward, then fall into a slide down to the bottom. Healing from infidelity can take 12 to 18, even 36 months. Be patient.

Consider two ways this conversation could go:
“You slept with half the women in our gym!”

Response A: “You’re crazy!”

Response B: “You're right, I was physically and emotionally unfaithful with four different women from our gym, and I can’t imagine how painful that is for you.”

Unfaithful Partner Mistake #4
Naively believe you will never do it again.

White knuckling your recovery without putting in safety measures, boundaries, and permanent changes to your high-risk routines is a mistake. If you pretend you’ve got this rather than making proactive, permanent changes to your high-risk routines, you are a walking time bomb.

Not sure what needs to change? Go ahead and reflect on how it all went down to begin with. Failing to consistently do what you say you will do, no matter how small the agreement, is super harmful. Start living an honest and transparent lifestyle. You don’t want to take this unresolved baggage into your next relationship, so unpack it now.

Unfaithful Partner Mistake #5
Wallowing in shame.

It’s time to stop and focus on your betrayed spouse. If you sink into a deep hole of: “I’m just a horrible person. I am worthless and I’m hopeless,” that is self-centered behavior.

You can’t be a partner in recovery or in life if you are wallowing in shame and self-pity. Take responsibility. Stand up and show up.

Guilt and remorse are good companions in recovery. Shame is not. Now, if you are the unfaithful spouse, you need to hear the top mistakes betrayed spouses make.

Top 5 Mistakes: Betrayed Partner

Betrayed Partner Mistake #1
Don’t make a rash decision.

This could include running to the courthouse to file for divorce, telling everyone and their mother about the infidelity, or pledging your commitment to stay “no matter what.” Give yourself time.

It is important to realize you have a choice to stay or not and to give yourself time to make that choice. How much time? As long as your physical safety isn’t being jeopardized, our experts suggest a minimum of 6 months. I know it feels like making a decision will help you regain control over your life, but you don't want to make rash decisions that have lifelong implications. You want to make that decision to stay or go from a calm place, not a place of shock and rage.

Betrayed Partner Mistake #2
Sweeping it under the rug or expecting an easy fix.

It’s naïve to assume that once your spouse agrees to stop the behavior or cut contact, they can instantly do so without a struggle. If they’ve been living in an affair or with an addiction, they are likely going to need some experienced, and probably professional, intervention to end it without relapse.

Watch out for the word just. Minimizing what happened with the word “just” is a clear indicator of this classic mistake. Just once, just online, just because of alcohol... No “just” justifies what happened or creates safety, and it certainly doesn’t guarantee healing.

Betrayed Partner Mistake #3
Involving the affair partner.

They didn’t belong in your life in the first place, and they certainly don’t have your best interest in mind, so don’t invite them back for a discussion! Your silence sends a powerful message.

Are you considering confronting the affair partner in an effort to drive them away? This often gives the affair partner the impression they hold all the power and encourages them to wait for your spouse to leave you. Expert advice says put them in their place by ghosting them. Your silence sends the most powerful message there is; they don’t matter in your story anymore.

Betrayed Partner Mistake #4
Trying to control your mate.

This mistake has many faces. You might be using guilt or shame to keep them home. Threatening to expose their betrayal might increase their shame, but it won’t increase their desire to stay. No amount of boundaries or surveillance will keep your mate from temptation.

Trying to monitor your spouse 24/7 is impossible and exhausting. Don’t schedule their 12-step meetings, don’t line up their accountability partners, don’t force them to go to counseling, and don’t lock them up or take away all their decision-making capabilities. You can't control their recovery. They have to want it.

Betrayed Partner Mistake #5
The Big C’s: Comparing, Competing, and Compromising.

A marriage and an affair (or addiction) are two entirely different things. Don’t allow intrusive thoughts to set up camp in your traumatized brain.

With pornography or sex addiction, it’s not uncommon for us to hear about betrayed spouses agreeing to perform sexually in ways that are counter to their comfort level, to consider changing their bodies, or even opening the marriage in an effort to meet the diseased needs of the wayward spouse. Competition and compromise are devastating … every single time.

Revenge affairs are a big mistake too. It starts with trying to show your spouse how wretched it feels to be betrayed by doing the same thing to them. It will leave you with not one, but two problems: dealing with your own guilt plus the anguish of the betrayal.

Where to Go from Here

If you have managed to dodge every one of these mistakes, you truly are a recovery unicorn. But for the rest of us, it’s about making a u-turn today. Don’t try to fix everything at once. Instead, pick the one mistake that is causing the most friction in your house right now. Trickle-truthing? Surveillance? Comparison? Wallowing?

Let’s trade the pursuit of perfection for one honest step forward right now. You’ve got this. The Affair Recovery team is here for you.