I’ll never forget talking to a friend of mine early on in recovery, and I said to him candidly, “I’m still thinking about my affair partner all the time.” Having gone through it before, he very pointedly, but graciously said to me “Samuel, if you said you weren’t thinking about her, I’d call you a liar.” It’s part of the ripping away. He went on to say “It takes time and it takes consistency, and doing exactly what you’re doing: being open with another man about what you’re dealing with.”
Fact is my friends, and I know a ton of you are betrayed spouses, that if your spouse says they are not thinking about their affair partner (when it was a long affair, over a consistent period of time and they have broken it off fairly recently) then they probably are...
When launching out into recovery, one must have an anchor. The chaos and the confusion of it all can be overwhelming and exasperating. Not all days are tumultuous, but early on I’m willing to bet you’ll have more chaotic and depressing days, than comforting and reassuring days. Even now, several years later, I have a few rock solid anchors in my life to help keep me attached, grounded and safe for all the important relationships in my life.
What anchors do you have in your life? Are there any right now?
If you're early on in recovery, unfortunately your affair partner or addiction may have been your anchor. It's what kept you sane, and kept you from imploding on your spouse, family or difficulty in life.
My affair partner in...
To borrow from both AA and the Twelve Steps, as well as Richard Rohr’s take on it, here is a fabulous quote which resonates with me and my own life:
“Our troubles are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves; and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he or she does not think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us!”
Several years ago, mid-affair, my life was about me; how everyone was to relate to me, how Samantha was to please me, and how my own little world had me at the center of it. Even while serving others, somehow it very easily became about me. I was sick. Sick and unable to see how lost I was.
I’m truly in awe at how easy it is to...
When my affair was exposed, I had to come clean. It certainly was not my choice to come clean on my own. I was threatened by the board of the organization I was working for that if I didn’t share the details with Samantha, they were going to approach her and tell her for me. I had 24 hours.
After sharing the details of my two and a half year affair, the anger in Samantha’s heart would be unparalleled. I had never seen her that angry, or that hurt, in my entire life. I hope to never encounter that “Samantha” ever again. She physically hit me a couple of times, as well as yelled, screamed, and cried seemingly non-stop. But she was there and decided to give me a chance.
To this day, friends as well as acquaintances who come to us for help ask her...
am·biv·a·lence--the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone
Ambivalence can also be defined as ‘being of two minds.’ Or in a general sense, “I want to, but I don’t want to.”
In recovery, ambivalence can be a very common denominator for the unfaithful. It’s not always there, but when it is it’s altogether excruciating for the betrayed. An unfaithful spouse may not want to talk about their deep-seated ambivalence, for fear of being hammered upon or ‘shamed’ if they were to disclose it. But it’s there. Deep in the inner resources of their heart and mind, it’s there, trying to eat away at their resolve and their hope.
I certainly didn’t...
Triggers can be excruciating. They can steal away your quality of life. Triggers position unresolved emotions and unforgiveness to annihilate any situation which should be enjoyable or at the very least organic.
Without taking anything away from the pain of triggers experienced by betrayed spouses, I want to make it known that unfaithful spouses suffer from triggers as well, albeit at our own hands.
Just last week, Samantha did something that triggered me in a way that was both alarming and infuriating. I had to remove myself from the situation to get my feelings in check for fear that I would lash out.
In the blink of an eye I was transported back to long forgotten feelings of rejection, insecurity and a deep desire to feel affirmed. My anger at my perceived...
Triggers are typically associated with the betrayed spouse.
Research shows that early in recovery, the betrayed spouse encounters between 75 and 110 different reminders of the affair every day. They can be incapacitating and overpowering, making it almost impossible for hurt spouses to reclaim any stable ground.
Samantha encountered thousands of reminders, and the courage and perseverance it took to press through them was monumental. The good news is they do dissipate over time and they can be diffused when you get the right kind of help. (Harboring Hope was a great asset for Samantha.)
Unfaithful spouse, when you are aware of your mate encountering a reminder, choose humility and own the moment as an immediate first step. Something that worked for me was to...
Deciphering what was real and what was fantasy is incredibly clear….now.
Back then however, in the middle of the mess, things were foggy, confusing and about as fantastical as they could be. This is a normal point of crisis and confusion for any unfaithful spouse as they face duplicity and double lives.
Real life was hard. From the fights with Samantha, to constant miscommunication to the rejection I felt from her romantically and sexually. She was just never happy with me and I could never do enough.
The affair however, was filled with incredible happiness, understanding and sexual fulfillment. My affair partner never rejected me, always wanted me, and almost always understood my feelings and concerns. I understood her and always seemed to have...
I hate to fail. At anything. It ruins me, one could say. Being a performance driven individual, and growing up under a reward-driven system of affection, I’ve always been a very driven, performance based individual.
An odd disconnect though, is that I had never been consumed with succeeding at marriage, but only succeeding at my traveling schedule, financial stability, investing and personal accolades.
When I failed at my marriage I failed big. I’m not sure I could have failed in a bigger way than I did.
When really began to grasp what I had done to my wife Samantha and so many others, it was almost incapacitating. Getting healthy meant walking through my pain at first.
They say the truth will set you free, but first it will make you incredibly...
“You cannot heal what you do not first acknowledge.” Richard Rohr
The truth of this quote still strikes me even after years of recovery.
Just today I’ve had to name my struggles. Pride for one. It’s not ‘feeling insecure’ or left out or disrespected. It’s pride. When I honestly name what I’m feeling or experiencing, I can step into a personal recovery plan. This means isolating what’s really going on. It helps me see what I’m truly feeling and that my pride is just a reaction to what I am feeling. I realize I’m trying to medicate my true, inner feelings. I am feeling insecure, left out and disrespected. Those are facts. But for each of them, I can take steps of self-care once I realize the root: pride....
Rick’s recent article, found here: http://affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-and-transition-stages-the-mystery-of-change, is brilliant, but poignant for both sides of the affair. It’s relatively easy to understand why a betrayed spouse would need to grieve. After all, life will never be the same again, and life has been changed forever. It’s not un-repairable, but the fact remains, understanding why the betrayed spouse would grieve is rather easily comprehensible.
Grieving for the unfaithful is paramount as well. For me, I had to grieve for what my affair did to Samantha and also what it had done to so many other people. You may not be a public personality, but at one time I was, and in a high profile position. My...
I’ve written on relapse before, but today I’d like to ask the question, which so many ask which is, whether or not relapse is inevitable? I will tell you there are varying, differing opinions on it for sure and I’m not sure that I think anyone is per se the expert on relapse besides maybe Rick Reynolds.
Some say it’s absolutely inevitable. If they cheated, they will eventually cheat again, but in what degree or what stage is what is undeterminable, and the best you can do is shore up their recovery plan, and the betrayed spouse’s recovery plan, and hope for the best.
Some say, no, not necessarily. That a good, strong, recovery process is what will prevent them from falling again and there is hope of it never happening again.
All I...
Many times during our discussions early on in the recovery process, even after we met Rick by the way, anger was a normal part of our lives. We were smart to never let it fully unleash in front of the kids who were pretty young at the time, but it was there: simmering….waiting for a chance to manifest.
It wasn’t uncommon for me to get angry when Samantha wanted to talk about it. I didn’t always show it, but internally, I was about to burst. I don’t know if anger was the most definitive term, but perhaps better, more descriptive words would be short, trite and borderline uncooperative.
I genuinely felt terrible about what I did. I felt like I was a complete failure and had let down so many, including myself. Let’s face it; I did...
If you were to meet me about 8 years ago, I’d tell you I was a completely different person. More importantly, my wife Samantha who is probably the best judge of what type of a person I was and am now, will tell you, she had a special cuss word for me. It’s not uncommon that we’ll have a jovial moment together in the kitchen or in bed where she’ll say I’m so glad you’re not the ******* you used to be, and I’ll reply with I’m so glad you’re not the ***** you used to be either. And we’ll laugh pretty hysterically. I know, for some of you in crisis right now, it’s a reach. But if we can get there I’m quite sure you can too.
Now I don’t recommend this banter without incredible healing and restoration for...
I’ll never forget a lunch I was having with a couple who eventually became like mentors to Samantha and I. Samantha wasn’t there but I was venting a bit and talking to them very openly about my anger and bitterness and unmet needs which I felt led to the affair in the first place.
They listened and graciously I might add. I say graciously, as the fact is, I’m not quite sure how they stomached my deception and lunacy. But finally, he had had enough add said, “Samuel, are you done yet?”
Laughingly I said, “Oh, yes, I’m sorry” and chuckled.
It was at this moment that he led me by the hand and took me to the proverbial woodshed of sobriety and awareness of what an idiot (to put it lightly) I was...
I was initially surprised when my wife, Jill, said this to me. She had just shared some of the deep pain she was experiencing as a result of my infidelity. It had been a number of months since “D-Day” and we had been working through rebuilding the marriage that I had torn down through my infidelity.
I understood that the affair was 100% my fault. I was not confused about that. But I was confused by what she had just said. I thought it was about me – about how I had betrayed her, how I had broken our wedding vows, how I had deeply hurt her, how I had ripped her heart in two.
There was silence as she stared at me. And then it came to me.
She was talking about how she was feeling – not what I had done. She was not sharing her hurt so that I could confess my sin....
